Anxiety, PTSD, and Ticks Oh My!

 My fingers tapping in the air as if I am playing a piano. My mind is racing. I can see the sirens, the person on the ground. tap tap tapping in the air the flashback continues to when I hit someone. The rush of anxiety and PTSD rushes over me like a wave. An unstoppable wave crashing. Unable to stop the waves. tapping continues I wonder if this will ever stop, this tick I have developed. 

The year was 2016.  When I hit a 75 year old lady named Bonnie (name changed for identification purposes). I remember the blaring of the sirens that came flooding down the streets. Her lying on the ground. Me yelling at people not to move her.  This day has been engraved in my head. This day is when I developed my first tick. 

As the years progressed I learned how to control it. I learned what worked and what didn’t. I learned some meds helped.  Even some fidgets worked. I had this down. Occasionally, I’d have a moment of flashback and my tapping would start. It would look like I was playing the keys on a piano. I would stare off to God knows where. Eventually, I’d come back, the tapping would slow and stop. 

The tapping started again. We are in the year 2022. I looked a young boy in the eyes. His hands in his pockets, a red hoodie on with his hood up, and a black mask on.  All I could see was his brown eyes looking at me and his hands in his hoodie. It was 100+ degrees. For those who use celsius it’s about 38. The moments that exchanged between me and him I will never forget. 

That was the beginning of my week.  As the week progressed it never got better. It ended with a call to 911. My mom is in the back of an ambulance once again. The tapping begins as I sit in my car waiting to follow them. I look at my hands. I am realizing I am now in trouble myself. 

I followed my mom to the hospital. They are making sure her bp is back up and she is breathing better. All I could think of this was a repeat of last August. She was on her way to another heart attack. I walk into the pedestrian side of the ED and I realize I am tapping once again. I ask for a sensory kit. What it is, is a bag full of fidgets. It took me nearly 30 minutes or longer to calm down. 

As I sat waiting to be called back to see my mom my fingers started to play the piano in midair once again. Just like they did back in 2016. This tells me that my body is full of anxiety and stress. My PTSD is now acting up.  I have to stop it.  

The hospital keeps my mom for observation overnight. I came home alone.  I don’t even know how to calm down and sleep. I ended up taking a full dose of my onset anxiety meds. I crashed hard. I woke up when my mom called me. I went to get her. 

I realized last night as I didn’t want to take more anxiety meds and halfway forgetting, I needed them. As I laid in bed trying to sleep my fingers were tapping again. All night tapping. The worst part was, I forgot my PTSD sleep med. I was up all night with night terrors. tap tap tapping continues All night the piano plays on my hand. 

When I woke up this morning I had completely shut down. Just like that day in 2016. I am learning when I do the tapping it’s my way of letting out the stress. The buildup of stress and anxiety. These ticks that I get stay around until I can get some control over them. It may take days, it may take weeks. What I know now, is these ticks are a sign to me. They are a sign I need help. 

I do these ticks sometimes and I don’t even notice it. It’s not until someone places their hand on mine. They look at me and ask me if I am ok. When their hands are on mine the ticks go to my feet and the tapping continues. Those who know me extremely well, have learned these ticks. I’m glad they do. 

After the week I had, the ticks are back. I don’t know how long they are here. What it is tell me is this. I am mentally exhausted.  I am so stressed out that my body doesn’t know how to process it. My PTSD is trying to protect me as best as it can. Yet, it responds by the ticks. 

So, if you see me playing the piano in mid air, please know I’m not ok. No matter what I tell you.  The ticking is an outside visual of something isn’t right. I’m having an anxiety or PTSD attack or both.