Tali’s World

  I got a call in December of 2004 that my aunt died. That was the first time grief really struck me. It really hit me hard. I was a mother of a 14 month old and still trying to figure out how to parent. I had a husband who refused to help me. Now, I am thrown this news. News that shook me to the core. I had just called her the day before and told her happy birthday. Here I was on the phone getting news she was no longer with us.  I was angry that she didn’t go to the doctors. I was angry I was in Florida and not back home in Illinois. I was at a loss for words. A heart that was breaking. My aunt was one of the few people who loved me unconditionally. I could talk to about anything. I just lost that in a blink of an eye.  When April of 2017 came around I never thought I’d lose my grandma. There I was again. Losing someone who loved me unconditionally. She loved me no matter what I did. She never seemed to have judged me. There I was still in Florida wanting to be back...

Two weeks ago or so I was asked to write. Write so I can get things out of my head so I don’t explode. Things were slowly coming to a head. I hold things in. I do my best not to. I try and talk things out and get things aired. It seems like the more I open my mouth the more things come out. The more frustrated I become. It seems like since my mom died in January I have become more angry. I watched her slowly kill herself. I watched her ignore the doctors. I told her for months and years that she just needed to listen to them. If she did, she’d be around longer. Instead, she continued to eat salty foods. Even though she had a heart attack and was in AFIB. She stopped walking because she hurt. Then was mad because she couldn’t walk anymore. Then was upset because she couldn’t breathe. Yet, she didn’t do anything to help it. I watched her body slowly give up. Last year she was in and out of the hospital every couple of weeks from September 2025 till December 2025 when she never left. She ...

My whole life I was made fun of for my weight. Even at my smallest I was made fun of. The jokes never stopped.  Even into adulthood the jokes didn’t stop. They just continued from children and adults. Here I am in my 40s still struggling with the numbers on scale. They fluctuate from year to year. I am so number obsessed that it drives people crazy. Especially my partner.  Back in 2017 I hit my all time high. I hit almost 500 pounds. Yes, you read that right. It’s not something I normally verbalize to people. Especially this who know me in real life. Those of you who know me and read this. You probably are wondering how I got that big. Don't even believe me. It’s true.  The amount of depression and meds I was on took me to the spiral of weight gain. It was something that hit me fast and hard. Something I couldn’t control. It became a thing I ate in private and not around others. An eating disorder I once had resurfaced. No one knew that it had. If they did, they didn’t ...

No matter how much I miss my mom it’s not getting easier. The hole is still there. I have to remind myself that I am only two months into her death. It will get easier as the months and years go by.  The first holidays are going to be the worst, especially as they roll around.  Holidays were always her favorite. Growing up we decorated for every holiday. From top to bottom. Every room of the house had something. Every window or windowsill was covered. Each month with a new holiday we took down the old and changed it out for the new. Christmas and Easter we seemed to always go all out.  When I got into junior high I started to have a party every month. Every month had a theme. It was almost always surrounded by the holiday of the month. It just was a big deal in my household. When I moved to Tolono those parties stopped. My friends and I stopped talking. That was the end of that. The decorations were not as elaborate. Not until she moved in with grandma Shirley.  Afte...

  This has been an extremely hard year for me emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially.  I have been through so much and it seems like the world keeps piling it on me. I wish I knew it was going to stop.  I have tried to stay positive and keep my head up. I have kept fighting and moving along. I will do my best. Even though I can’t afford things, I have tried to help people in need. Even if it’s just a few coins.  Back in April I lost my job with a company I had been a part of for many many years. I took a job with a $150 paycut. I didn’t have as much stress. The type of job I was going to I knew I would enjoy. I wasn’t settling for it. For me that was a blessing. It meant going from a desk job to standing on my feet 8 hours of a day. That was a massive shock to my system.  At this time my moms health started to decline. Constant UTIs, pneumonia, shortness of breath, etc. many trips to the hospital and hospital stays. It just made it hard on me won...

 Walk into work and I hope that I am seen. Yet, so many of those I work are already spoken for. It’s hard to feel like I can be seen in a world that is fast paced like the job I am in. I am surrounded by so many good looking people. Several of them are so nice to chat with and work with. Yet, I just want to be seen.  The moment I feel like a conversation is going somewhere, it stops.  Stops cold and we don’t speak again. Even though I see them in a regular basis. Not even sure of what I did or what I said. I go back thinking if I just fade in the background is best the way to go.   I go home after a long day and attempt to fall asleep. Yet, my brain goes nonstop telling me that I am not worth it. I am not pretty enough. I am not thin enough. No matter how much I am myself it’s not good enough. My mom’s words still ring in my head after all of these years. “No man will ever want you.”  I just wonder if she was right.  When she shouted those words out of ange...

  There have been some recent articles about Sam’s popping up. Let me say, yes, those rumors you are hearing are indeed true. At least for the Sam’s I work for. Right now we have a way to scan your items as you walk through the exit. 90% of the time it does allow you to just walk through. Just like any technology it’s not always accurate.  Sam’s Club is going to be getting rid of all the cash registers but self checkout at some point. Which will in return leave you with self check out or being forced to use scan and go. As a person who is getting older I understand the frustration. You must have a smartphone to access the Sam’s app for scan and go. However there are some advantages to using it.  Using scan and go can make your checkout process go faster. As you put items in your cart you can scan your items. Watch your total as you shop. Sam’s has select products on sale for scan and go users. Downy beads may cost you $15 at the register but it can cost you $12 using ...

  I find myself always wondering what I am good for.  I haven’t had many relationships. The few I have had over the last 10 years have just fallen apart. I find myself now alone and looking for companionship. I know that isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes I feel like that isn’t even good enough. No one that lives near me really wants me for me. I am sexualized by many. If I am not sexualized, then I am not close to the person.  People look at me as a kink or a fetish. They want to sexualize me. Only want to talk to me for one thing. That’s to have sex. The problem they face is, I’m not easy. I’m not the person who just easily gives it up. I don’t like to be looked at like that.  I think what is worse is those guys who are married. Who slipped me their number and flirted with me. Those who try so hard to get with me. They want me as their mistress. Just this side price they can have when they want.  Almost every relationship I have encountered has been me being t...