A Small Reminder

 Trigger Warning: talks of suicidal ideations, self-harm, and depression

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. As I sit here this morning waiting for my house to wake up, I am thinking about several different things. For just a moment, I am going to be open and vulnerable. Which I know is a shocker for some. 

This time last year I was battling depression pretty bad. Those who saw me daily, watched this struggle day in and day out. My mom was battling AFIB. She was in and out of hospitals. Then in and out of nursing homes for rehabs. For a small moment, I didn’t think she was going to make it to Christmas. I told people that. I would say “if she makes it to Christmas, I’ll be surprised.”  She did, she made it through another year. The thing is, I don’t talk about my personal life very often. Because it’s just that, personal. I didn’t talk about the internal struggles I was facing last year. A lot of times, I don’t even know I knew how to express into words. 

When people go through tough situations it’s hard to stop and think that someone else may be affected too. Not only that, it’s hard to think they may be going through things as well. We all go through things. Some of us are just not as open about it. That doesn’t mean we are not hurting. I have watched so many friends this season go through things and hear how their family treats them. Things would get resolved if people would stop and remember others may be hurting too. Weather they talk about it or not. 

As 2024 came in my mom was still sick. She fought it. She just fought depression super bad. Most of all, her family and her friends knew that. At the same time, I was fighting my own demons as well. As my mom lost things, I had to learn new things. I was forced into a situation I was never put into before. For most of the winter last year I had no heat. From October to just before Christmas, I had no heat. My kitchen sink was broken and other things fell apart. I figured it out. I always do. The new year was no different. Trying to figure out this bill situation. Knowing I am losing an almost $800 income

At the end of December it was scary. Feeding myself and Tiffani on what little I make. Still paying all my bills. Life isn’t roses for me. One thing is, you will not hear me complain. You’ll always see me fight. You just may see the depression and the ideations escape sometimes. They have always been under control. 

When I went on vacation this July, I think that was a huge turning point for me. I learned to let go. I blocked out a world that I desperately needed to escape from. A world that was causing me harm. A world that was trying to destroy me and my mental health. The ideations were growing louder. The self-harm was starting to scream for me to go through with it. I had those around me threatening suicide. Weather it was an ideation or not. It still takes a toll on you. I just needed to escape this world. 

I learned that Florida wasn’t as bad as I thought. So many changes happened since 2017. I learned I had grown further from my past than I realized. I was no longer going to let it control me. Boundaries became in place and they now were harder in place. The pain I felt for so many years was lifting. 

As the urges of self harm and the ideations faded, my anxiety came flooding in like a wrecking ball. I have always dealt with it. Now, it was even more. My world wasn’t scary anymore but it became overwhelming. From fear of losing my job to getting backed up at work. My anxiety was just getting worse. I didn’t see it right away. My supervisors, my daughter, and my best friend were now noticing, something wasn’t right. 

About two weeks ago I had a full blown panic attack for no reason. Nothing triggered me. I was just at a 10.  It took me awhile to calm down. Then the printer didn’t work at work.  I was instantly at a 10.  I don’t know why. I have always had problems with this printer. The reaction was a bit much. Then I was asked to do something I have done hundreds of times. I got anxious. 

It wasn’t until my daughter said it was after we got back from Florida I became this anxious person. My best friend thinks that because I no longer have the comfort of the thoughts of ideations and self-harm, my body is manifesting in this. They may be on to something. I talk to my therapist about it. He said my symptoms sounds like ADHD. I can’t sleep due to a hyperactive brain. I can’t sit still. Not even in session. 

Great, I drop two things and I gain one. I have been thinking this whole time I may have had it. I am always needing to do things with my hands. I have been sensitive to noises for over a year. My sensory processing overload switch is always getting triggered. I am neurospicy somewhere. Now, just got to find out where. 

All of this I am saying we need to have patience. If someone doesn’t want to go to the holidays. It’s ok. Yes it can be upsetting. Let’s not put the pressure and the world on them. That may be adding to something you are so unaware of. That just push them over the edge.