Allowing Myself to Feel

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Over the course of two years the pain has eased. Yet, the feeling of heartbreak is always there. As I see friends on here go through similar situations, my heart breaks. I just want to cry for them, with them. I never thought a day in my life would stay forever in my brain.

When I think about not having my collar, it saddens me. I begin to grieve all over again. The pain from that day comes rushing back. The smells, the sites, everything surrounding that day. The sad thing is, I secretly knew it was coming. I just never wanted it to end. For a moment in time I was happy.

As Snapchat and Facebook remind me of these memories, I find ways to delete the pictures. All I see is a happy person wearing her collar with such pride. The feeling on my neck is the emptiness of something that once was.

I am trying for the first time to allow myself to feel and deal with the hard emotions. I have compacted them away for so long. Now, I have the freedom to express them.

The other day a friend stop by to help me. The best thing they did was offer me a hug. It did all I could not to just bust into full tears in that moment. I can’t remember someone giving me a hug and it didn’t feel cold, loose, or a quick hug goodbye. This was a hug of comfort. wipes tears away I have been dealing with so much lately. That hug for just a moment was taking away the pain.

Over the course of this past week I have had haters. From asking me about a beard I can grow to watching my language on Facebook. All sorts of shit in between. I had wrote things here and there to remind people to be kind. The thing is, these people don’t realize the impact it causes on someone.

This past week I have felt so ugly, fat, insecure about my body and my face. I have not want to be seen by no one. I am normally ok with my body. I have come to love her most of the time.

PCOS causes my hair everywhere. My weight is extremely hard to lose. I have tried so many times over. If I told you how much I weighed, you wouldn’t believe me.

For nearly 20 years I was told not to sit on peoples furniture because of my weight. This was in my own home I was told this. I was told by my neighbors not to sit in their things either. I might break it. When things happened in my personal life, these feelings came rushing back.

Remembering how fat I felt when I was at my smallest. Remembering getting judged by someone in this community about my hair. Realizing I can only count on me.

When my friend came over and offered me a hug, the feelings and emotions wanted to escape. I suppressed them for the most part. Part of me heard “you are not allowed to cry”. Even though he wouldn’t ever say that. It’s a demon of mine.

Over the course of a week I have been crying when I can. Crying as type up this up matter of fact. For the first time in a very long time, I’m allowing myself to feel emotions. Maybe I’ll get another hug like that. If I do, they should prepare for tears.

For those of you who know me outside of here. I love you and I have been beyond thankful for those who have helped me these past couple of weeks. Through my tears and mental health struggles. Even with some things I still keep to myself. I am learning it ok to cry, even in private.

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