I Loved You

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 Today I had emergency therapy.  I felt like I was insane and crazy. It’s the only feeling I know how to express. It’s still the only feeling I know how to express. As I was talking to them we discovered something. We discovered that this insane crazy feeling is hurt and angry.  This was the first time he had seen emotion built into something in my past.

As I was talking about something today. I was telling him how this thing was triggering me. This is how it’s triggering me. It dawned on me we never talked about Ed (name changed).  I said I guess we skipped over him.  My therapist said to me “your brain is protecting you from the hurt and pain that I see.”  I started to cry. It’s in that moment we both realized how not ok I was when it came to Ed. We realized out of all the abuse I was out through, his story hurt me the most.

Ed, was the person I could let my guard down with. For the first time I felt so safe with him. I get protected, wanted, cherished, etc.  I became his collared submissive which brought on a whole lot of trust. I finally let go for the first time with him. I learned how to just be.

Being a collared submissive means I let go of everything in my being.  I let go of everything and trust my Dom to take care of it. Push me where I need to be pushed, love me in all areas, care for me in such a nurturing way.  The list goes on what a Dom is supposed to do.  Before him I was asked two other times to take someone’s collar. I never did. I took his. He was third person to ask me. That says a lot. 

Ed was the first person I knelt for.  He was the first person I felt so vulnerable with. I felt so safe with him.  I thought he would never hurt me.  He gave me a promise ring too.  To state everything in the vanilla life. How much trust I had for him. 

Then she came along. This girl came along and ruined it all.  She wrote on FetLife about her sexual encounter with Ed. That I didn’t know about. I mean why post something in public?  Did they want me to see it and end it with Ed?  Here I was so stupid and took him back after him cheating on me. 

I always blamed her. I never blamed him. I still don’t. Maybe that’s my problem.  That I don’t blame him.  When he broke up with me for good it was a day that still plays in my head this time of year. We broke up right after Christmas.

The hurt, the pain, everything I felt disabled me. For nearly 7 months I was disabled.  It wasn’t until I found my love for rope did I start I come out of it.  That was in July 2020.  Rope helped saved me.  He brought me out of a very dark place.  I lost so much weight.  Then I gained it all back and then some.  Depression sucks that way.

I don’t know if I am ready to talk about him. I am going need to, to heal.  I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone.  I don’t know if he ever loved me the same.  He had his wife, which I later found out about, this chick he fucked behind my back, and me.  He had it all.  

He still somehow pops in my life.



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