That Was Normal - TW

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I was making a comment to a recent blog entertainment recently. I realized how normalized my abuse became. My abuse started at 12 years old. It didn’t stop until 2018. You are probably sitting there thinking how is that even possible. 

When I was in junior high and high school my boyfriends or my so-called friends did things to me. Did a lot of non consensual things. From rape, physical abuse, to inappropriate touching. All done by different people. For me non consent violations became normalized for me. I choose a lifestyle where consent is extremely important. 

In 2001 I moved out of state and moved in with my boyfriend. As much as I should have seen red flags, I was never taught to see them. Everything prior to this everything was my fault and I deserved this. Only thing that was not my fault was the stuff that happened when I was 12. Here I am in a new state over 1,000 miles from home. My boyfriend was not what I expected. I was young and in love. 

In 2003 I had a kid and married. The abuse really started to show. The gaslighting, the verbal, mental, and emotional abuse were now starting to show. I had no way out of this. I felt so trapped in a place. 

By the time my daughter was in 5th grade I was told how fat I was. How I was eating to much. How my scars and hair was not to his liking. Everything about me, he now hated. It made no sense to me. The only thing that changed about me was my weight. 

When things happened to me in 2016 and 2018 I was already numb. I was numb to the pain that I once felt. I had now normalized everything that had happened. To me abuse was a thing men did and it was normal. When I first heard a man tell they would never pressure me for sex, I didn’t understand. My whole marriage it was like that. I was pressured to have sex. 

When the abuse got worse in 2016, I was not phased. I didn’t even know how to react. The feelings were already shutdown. My husband told me “my feelings, thoughts, and emotions didn’t matter”. I learned not to cry or have feelings that didn’t match his. Now at 40 years old I still struggle with feelings and emotions. 

Everything that happened to me shouldn’t be normal to me. Somehow my brain has made it that way. Normalizing abuse is not good. Pretending it’s ok when it’s not is not good. Thankfully I have an amazing therapist who is teaching me this. Reminding me, it’s ok to feel.

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