Tired of Men

 I have been hurt so many times by the opposite sex it’s not funny.  25 years of sexual assault, rape, and other kinds of abuse from men.  Hearing this you are probably thinking why put myself in a situation when shit could happen. This all started when I was 12 years old and ended in 2018. Some of it was in my marriage. 

However, I am divorced now and moved on. But the effects of men carry on through the years. I got back in the dating field in January 2020. Just as the world was shutting down. I wanted to date. I know a crazy time to start. I wanted to try and where I was at, it wasn’t shut down. 

Before March 2020 rolled around I had been stood up twice, one bad date, and several people ghosted me. As the months continued we are now locked inside, not going to our jobs physically, and the world is changing. I thought I could still date. 

Here we are into December 2021. I had a causal partner for 8 months. Who I wanted more from. What hurt me about him was he ghosted me the day my mom went into the hospital. She went in for a heart attack. The day I needed him the most out of this relationship, he bailed. 

Up to this point I had three people stand me up, one terrible date, and several people ghost me. Along with this guy who just did it at a shitty time. Each time I was ghosted, I let them in.  I let my walls down.  A week after doing so, they were gone. Gone with the wind. 

Here I am yet, again. Liking this guy a lot. The conversation has been flowing easy. I feel like I have known him for years. There is one red flag, I can’t get over. I am being triggered by a past relationship who did the same shit. The problem is, it’s almost identical. 

You’re comparing people.  Let him be his person you’re thinking. Can you get over the fact he shares his place with his ex girlfriend, who has two of his kids, and won’t talk to you while he is with his kids?  How bad does that sound and look?  He claims he isn’t a cheater!

I am so tired of letting men in. I’m so tired of being hurt emotionally. I’m tired of letting my walls down once I get comfortable around someone. Men wonder, why we don’t want to open up  they wonder why we don’t trust them.  When a good one does finally come around  they have to dig through all the other mens shit to find the beauty you have to offer.

I have so much to offer to my partner.  I have so much love, support, encouragement, everything a man could need.  Even with all my past trauma.  I can still love.  It just takes so long to find this person who doesn’t cringe when they hear about your past  doesn’t cringe when you say you’re into kink.  Doesn’t run for the hills when your daughter acts up.  They don’t run knowing your daughter is queer, autistic, and ADHD.  

I just wish men were better.  I know woman can be the same. I just don’t swing that way.  I wish, Mr. Right would walk through that door and sweep me off of my feet.  See me as me.  Not as my size, not see me as a fetish, not see me as a big ball of trauma.  See me as loving, caring, supportive, encouraging, nurturing, and so much more.