Triggers

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I have triggers.  I have lots of triggers.  I can get triggered by watching a tv show or a movie that has sexual violence, assault, or rape. That is due to 25 years of abuse.  From 1993 to 2018 I was assaulted in some shape or form. Sometimes by the same person for years.  Nonetheless, I have a long history of it. I am working through it.  

When some new shows came out recently like The Squid Game or The Maid. I was told not to watch them if I get triggered easily.  Both shows I was told deals with sexual violence in some shape or form. I put up a boundary while I’m going through therapy, I shouldn’t watch it. Right now a lot of things trigger me.

When I get told back “let’s watch something else, unless it will trigger you.” It just infuriates me. It makes me feel like my feelings are not valid. My triggers are not valid. I just don’t understand why people are like this.  Especially, people who have been raped themselves.  Those who have been physically abused themselves. Yet, I’m in the wrong.  I just don’t get it. 

I have been working so hard on learning my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions are valid. Then I get statements like this and I just want to stay quiet all over again.  Months of work I have done will go out the door.  I just want to hide in the corner. Comments like that just make me feel like I’m back in my marriage. Where nothing mattered. Where my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, nothing mattered. 

All I want I to feel like I matter.  Feel like if I get triggered it matters, and I will be ok.  Instead, I will get treated as if I don’t matter. As if my feelings don’t matter. It’s by someone who supposed to love me unconditionally is saying this.  How can I heal when people treat me like this?  At the end of the day, I know I’m responsible for my own healing, I know this. 

Onward, to continue healing..

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