How Do I Process

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 Two years ago I felt such heartache. The first time in my life I ever felt such a thing. Yes, I had breakups before. This, this, was the worst thing I have ever felt. I know I talk about it here and there.  I have never talked about the man behind the heartache. I never talked about how I met this man. I didn’t talk much about my experiences with him.  I don’t talk about things that being up triggers. I have kept it buried deep within me. 

He was the last thing I needed to talk about. The last thing to deal with to finally heal.  He brought on so much pain when I talked about him.  A pain I didn’t want to feel. Today, going into therapy, I knew it was going to be hard.  I didn’t realize how hard. Today, I found out just hard. 

Not only was this man my boyfriend, he was my Dom, my love of my life. He was my everything.  The world came craving down when he broke it off that December day. I can still see his apartment and remember the smell.  I just wish it would go away. I’m tired of feeling this pain. 

With him cheating on me and everything in between. I never blamed him. I always blamed the other woman. I know it takes two to tango.  I just can’t be mad at him. I need to be mad at him for so much. The more I process, the more it hurts.

What I have to process is something I didn’t think I would. When you are told the relationship you had was toxic is hard. I am told at how emotional and mental abusive he was. Then to hear things about the scene that went bad. Where do I begin?  Where do I begin to process?  

Since 2016 I learned that if you said “no” at anytime the other party went through with the sexual act, it was rape. Does that go for scenes too?  When you are in the middle of a scene and you try to stop it, is it rape?  If the other party feels bad for going through with what did, is it still rape?  I am told yes.  I am told the person who did this to me, raped me during that scene. During a primal scene. I tried to move away and he kept turning me around. He mated me. That’s what he called it, mating.

With the leaving and coming back, then the cheating he did. I felt so insane and crazy.  He made me feel that way.

Now, trying to process this all at once, is something I need to figure out. I need to figure out how to tell my therapist all of this too.  Not even sure how to do it.  

One day at a time, hopefully the healing will begin.

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