A Stressful Week

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 I don’t have many places I can talk about what goes on in my everyday life. Yes, at times it seems like a lot of drama and my life is never dull but, it’s my life. I have never known anything different. I wish a lot of days it was different. 


This past week my ex tried to come back into my life after being out of my life for three years. He messaged me and wanted to be my friend on a social media platform. I told him he could follow me but I would not add him as a friend. He proceeds to say “I do not ask twice”. By that last statement I just felt the manipulation trying to start again. Him trying to dominate me after three years of being free of him. I was completely devastated when we broke up, after going through therapy I realized what kind of toxicity I was dealing with. 


The feelings of so much came flooding up.  Overall, I am just getting angry. I was angry that he thought I would want to be his friend after working on my healing. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I want him. I think that bothered him. I don’t know why. All of this bothers me. I wish it didn’t.  I wish I had people to talk to without feeling like I'm overwhelming them. Feel like I'm bothering them. This feeling sucks. I feel so alone in this matter. 


Last week I went to the doctors for some pain.  I have had shoulder pain off and on for two years. I have been having thigh and hip pain for about three weeks. After going in to talk to my ortho doctor we found out I have a muscular and nerve thing going on. I don’t show arthritis in any of my x-rays. They are talking about fibromyalgia. For some reason that really bothers me. I don’t even know why.  When I talk to people about how it went they ask me why they think I have it. When I tell them, they all say “yeah sounds like you have it.” Knowing that pain is going to be everyday in my life is hard to fathom.  I don’t even know how to deal with this. I feel like when I try and talk to people I feel like I’m just complaining. 


Today my daughter had another test for autism spectrum disorder. We are finding out she has moderate to severe ASD. They say she is on the severe side of ASD. That means how it affects her everyday life. Which we know it does even now.  We are glad we know what is wrong with her. It just means more tests. We are on another waiting list for her to be tested again to find out where in the spectrum she falls. it just seems like more and more tests. It’s so frustrating as a parent. 


I am being ignored once again in my house when I try to speak. I have to repeat things like four times if I want to be heard. I just now don’t even want to talk. I am like why bother. It’s like I am in another abusive home.  Yet, the person who is doing it doesn't even see it. If they do, they don’t care. Everyone wants to be heard. All I feel like right now I’ll be better off not talking. I should stay quiet and ask permission to talk.  


Now our cat is sick.  Our daughter thinks I don’t care. It’s not that I don’t care. We don’t have a lot of money. I wish we did. I wish we could fix everything for her. I don’t know how. I feel like I’m failing once again as a parent.

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