Knife Play.. Hard Limit

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 Written in November 25, 2018

Since I joined the community back in 2015 I have always put knife play as a hard limit of mine. I am a self harmer. I am almost a year clean from it. I’m beyond proud of it. This is after being 12 years years clean when i relapsed back in 2016. I’m not proud of my scars. My scars are a story of very dark times in my life. So, when I heard of knife play I knew this had to be a hard NO. So many things would be brought up if a knife scrapped my skin.

What I learned over the past 6 months my limits change. The person I am with I trust with unconditional trust. The person at Coles County Munch I trust unconditional to teach me or Sir new things. Which has been a first for me. I have never had that in my life. In the vanilla world or the kink world. Last night was about to change.

I have been attending Coles county munch since July. I have seen wax play done several times. On various different types of people. I have never been in the right head space to do it. I knew scraping off the wax was going to be a knife or a credit card. I trusted the group leader enough to know if the knife was used I was safe beyond words. Wait? Didn’t you just say it was a hard limit of yours?!? YES!!! It will always be a limit. I wanted to get relaxed enough for just scrapping off wax. It’s the easiest and quickest method for wax removal. It doesn’t mean I’m going to jump out there and do a scene with knives. That is still very much a hard limit.

Last night was a night like no other. I sat there. I watched wax being done. As people started to clear out. I looked at Sir. I said Daddy, I’d like to try. I’m not sure if I can. We talked about the possibilities of the room and where I can get wax done. He checked my headspace before we talked to the leader. We discussed only the leader or his wife would be pouring the wax and no others. Since both leaders know my history in the community.

I got on the table. I laid there. Trying to breathe through it. Sir finally got in front of me. I felt panic rush over me. I don’t even know why. Fear I guess. Fear of the unknown of what was going to happen at the end. Fear of who was going to be in the room as wax was going to be poured. I don’t know. He talked in my ear the whole time.

The first color...
The second color..
The third color..

Tears began to fill my eyes. Not because of the pain from the hot wax. I don’t know really. I was starting to cry. Both the leader and Sir did keep checking on me. As the leader continued. I whispered to Sir, I want the room cleared when he is done.

A few more pours. I was done. I couldn’t take it anymore. The tears were needed to come. The room had gotten full. I asked for the room to clear out. When the room cleared. The leader brought his knife out. Reminded me I was safe the whole time. I grabbed Sirs thumbs til I thought they were about ready to break. He began to scrap....

I felt as if I had control over the knife. I felt like I was cutting and I couldn’t cut. I felt was a very sharp knife being scraped on my back. The tears began to flow even more. I began to sob. He got about a 1/3 way done. I said I needed a break. I laid there and cried a moment. As we waited til I could concentrate again. He continues with the knife. I couldn’t anymore. He got about 1/2 way done. I was done. I just couldn’t take feel the knife anymore. The tears flooding out. He got a credit card. He used that. By then it still felt like the knife across my skin. I knew it was not. By then, my mindset was thrown off. They could tell the leader showed Sir how to massage some of it as well. Not as effective but it does work.

As I laid there when they were done. I cried into Sirs arms. As the wax around me was being cleaned up. I sat up was extremely dizzy. Not like subspace dizzy. Dizzy dizzy. I hugged Sir as tight as I could with a blanket around me.... and I cried.. and the leader reminded me it was ok to break down like that. He could tell it was a release. It wasn’t nothing bad. It was a good thing to get everyone out of the room. So I could collect myself.

So thank you @Screaminheathen for reminding me that it’s ok to have a small cry during a scene. Thank you @Fenris1963 for loving me. Not getting upset with me for when I started to cry. Thank you both for allowing me to release the tension of the last two weeks. I am forever greatful. Knife play is still a hard limit.

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