Mental Health Sucks

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I have struggled with mental illness since I was 18 years old. That was the first time I was out on meds and diagnosed with depression. I suffered from depression way longer than 18.  I had learned along the way how to handle it, how to recognize when it gets bad, how to work with it.  Here I am at 40 years old I still struggle. I just now since it is coming before it happens. 


I struggle the most with people ignoring me. Pretending my issues are less than theirs. Telling me to get over it. I am having issues with my new chair. My daughter said to me “maybe you are sitting wrong in the chair?” I just quietly started to cry. My mom was like “what’s wrong?” When my daughter stated I had a lot going on and my mom got offended. The thing is I have told her everything going on.  


I have been dealing with shit with my ex-boyfriend, dealing with our cat who had a seizure, and now my bestie has covid. My mom knows all of this. My daughter remembers all of this. However, my mom acts like I’m leaving her in the dark. I’m so frustrated.


What makes things worse is when I have tried to talk lately I get ignored. I have tried to talk about gas, weather, work, anything. I am talked over, ignored, acted like I don’t even exist unless they need something. I am just used.


I am so overwhelmed right now. It doesn’t help that therapy has been super hard. We are working on boundaries, how to identify gaslighting, and how to identify manipulation. I feel so stupid and behind on life because I don’t know these things. I don’t know how to see these things. It’s because of all the abuse and the people who have surrounded me. All I have known is gaslighting and manipulation. How does one undo so many years of this?


I am trying so hard to work through what I have known. I am trying to work through so much. I have been working hard for almost a year now. I know I have to keep fighting and I can’t give up. So many times like tonight I want to stop fighting. I am so overwhelmed. I have had so many emotions just come through. 


Not only this I have had cars cutting me off going 70mph. I’m going down the interstate. I have to slam on my brakes. Three times in two days this has almost happened. Every time with my daughter in the car. It makes me not want to drive right now too.  On top of everything I listed above I have this too. My anxiety and PTSD has been triggered. 


When I am not near people I can cry some. At the same time, I can’t. I feel like I have to hide so much of me. I have to hide my emotions because no one understands me. I feel so alone I’m this world. I feel like I am such a burden to everyone. I know I am not to those who actually care about me. It’s hard to tell yourself that when your brain isn’t working like it’s supposed to. Mental health is an issue everyday. 


So many days I don’t want to suffer from it. So many days I want to be normal. I want to know things. I want to be heard. 

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