TW: Being Triggered

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As I sit there quiet this week in therapy I hear my therapist say “I see you shutting down”. For the first time I realized I was this doing in a long time. I was showing him a side of me very few see, or care to see. I just chuckled and blew it off. I proceeded to tell him I just didn’t want to talk about it. 

He of course goes straight into my best friend. Ask me if they know what’s going on. I told my therapist for the first time they don’t. I don’t even know how to make sense of what I’m thinking. How could I? With everything I have been through, how can I make sense of it. Then they asked me about my writings. Of course I haven’t written. I found that funny, since a friend just asked me about that. So, here I am writing.. more depressing shit. 

I have had two flashbacks this week. One when I was 13 and one I was 14&15. Both some serious things. I have been easily triggered lately, not meaning too. My therapist asked me about my stresses. They were fine. Then we talked about my tv habits. Yeah, about that. 

The trial of Depp vs Heard all over the tv and social media. Their accounts of domestic violence and so much more. Which brought up my own views of domestic violence. As a female, I should have believed Ms. Heard, and I couldn’t. Maybe deep down I feel guilty about that. I believed Jonny Depp all the way. 

Then, I had watched Dear Evan Hansen this past week. Well, again that’s a trigger warning. I just knew I loved the music. I didn’t think much about what it was about. Until, I watched it. Needless to say that could have triggered stuff on my brain.

Ever since I dug up in detail about the account of my abuse I have been more sensitive to things. i probably will until I admit it happened. I admit it wasn’t my fault. Even though I was in some of those situations as an adult. It wasn’t my fault. I still struggle with that. 

Admitting something is hard to do it. Then it makes it real. It makes it in your face. For me if I wasn’t a tease then some of this stuff wouldn’t have happened. If I didn’t do this stuff I wouldn’t have been labeled as a tease. So much goes through my head when I think about how it’s not my fault. To me.. it will always be my fault.

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