TW: Does This Make Sense

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 As I grow in therapy I start to connect dots and start to question everything about my life. Should I? Probably not.  I am trying to understand so much of what I thought was normal for me. I am learning it’s not normal. 


The summer between my 7th and 8th grade years my life would change. I was 12 turning 13 that fall. That summer my step grandparents had come over like they did many times. This wasn’t new for me. They had been around my whole life. I mean their son legally changed my last name to theirs. I was 8 when that happened. 


My step grandma was downstairs visiting with my dad. Her husband was upstairs with me. Again, nothing out of the ordinary for me. I was excited because this is when the box book bags came out. OMG they were the bomb in my book. They fit so nicely in my locker. As I’m going through that year's school supplies, my life would change. I would be molested right there, in my living room. 


I won’t go into details. I lived with this for a couple of months. It wasn’t until September of that year. When a friend of mine told me she trusted me because I never kept secrets from her. I felt terrible, that wasn’t true. I told her what happened.  I ended up telling my best friend who was my neighbor at the time. They told me to tell my parents. So, I did. 


I wrote them a note, left it on the kitchen counter. I hid once I heard them up. They read it and asked me questions. Honestly, I don’t remember anything from that conversation. I just know they believed me. Here is what bothers me now as an adult. 


I was kicked out of the house when he would come back over to the house. I was told to go to a friend's house while he and his wife visited their son. Was I not that important?  Was my dad more important?  Where would he still allow my attacker to come over?  Where they left gifts on my bed before they left. Like, that made it ok.  


Here I am in my 40s as I wrote this. I am trying to understand this. If they believed me, why was he still allowed over?  That doesn’t make any sense to me. I know I won’t ever make sense of it. I should come to terms with this.  I’m not sure how to do so.  When it’s all said and done, I was taught by them, I wasn’t worth it. My worth was less than someone else. 


I was taught that my abuser was more important than my feelings, my thoughts, my everything. I was taught that this was ok. That it was ok to be abused. I need to be ok with it. As long as I don’t have to face them, I’ll be fine.  That’s what I’m seeing from this situation. This was the start of my abuse. 


The start of how I just took everything that was thrown at me. I took all the words and hatred towards me. I just took it and thought it was ok. Apparently, that’s what it seems that is what I was taught. 


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