TW: Not My Fault?

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 I am the first one to tell a victim of domestic violence or sexual assault it’s not their fault. I do believe that it wasn’t their fault. It was the abusers/attackers fault. They choose to act in a manner that was not right. They choose to hurt the other person. 

This therapy session I was asked by therapist to start to come to terms with my own abuse. Realize it’s not my fault. My question is like so many is this “ how isn’t it my fault?” How isn’t my fault when I put myself in that situation?

From ages 13-15 I was assaulted in various forms. I ended up with the reputation of tease. Everything that happened to me was my fault. Right?!? I was touched inappropriately by my boyfriend and his friends at 13, to being raped R 14&-15. I made out with them and I said no. Is it my fault? I mean, I put myself in that situation. No matter how many times I pushed their hands away, the continued. 

Let’s say it’s not my fault. It was my abusers fault. How about the guy who laid his hands on me? He grabbed my arms, grabbed my neck, etc. I had bruises on me and people thought they were hickeys. I looked at another guy, so it’s my fault right? I shouldn’t have looked, I shouldn’t have said another guy was cute, I should have stayed quiet. It’s not my fault, right?!?

What about the abuse I endured when I was married? I was his wife. I was told that was my duty as his wife. I had to have sex with him because that was my duty. The verbal, mental, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse I endured was my fault because I didn’t listed and I questioned him. Right?!? He would hit my hands because I would end up picking a scab. If I didn’t stop he smack me harder and harder til I stopped. If I stopped the first time, he wouldn’t have hit me, right? So, it was my fault even though I told him to stop hitting me, stop licking me, etc.

What about the times I pushed him off of me because I didn’t want sex that night. He manipulated me into having it. Then had the nerve to ask me “did you enjoy it”. Acted surprised when I said “no”. Was that my fault, that is considered rape and I should have said yes? Even though I said no so many times prior to him making me say yes. It’s my fault right. I was his wife. It was my duty. 

What about I was alone with a guy in 2016 who wasn’t my husband. He forced himself on me. He raped me. After I said no many times before of I didn’t want to have sex with him. He finally claimed it from me. When I told someone about it they said “it was your fault. You shouldn’t have been alone with him”. It’s my fault because people said it was. Is it still true? I put myself in that situation. Yup, it’s my fault, right?!?

2018 I went to a friends house for dinner and a movie. I pushed him off several times before he forced himself on me. The more I pushed the more he made his way on me. Again, I was told it was my fault by several people. I was left alone with him. I shouldn’t have been. It’s definitely my fault now right?

If these happened to anyone else I would tell them time and time again how it’s not. How the other person was wrong. Here I am, seeing how it was my fault. How do I believe it’s not my fault? I sit here typing this up trying to think of how it’s not. I am trying. What do I tell myself to believe what I would tell you?

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