Reputation

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 I have been thinking a lot about reputations for sometime now. I have thought about my own reputation to the people around me. How one simple thing can change them in just an instant. One miscommunication or misunderstanding can ruin it for someone forever. Yet, we don’t stop and think sometimes. 


When I had my incident happen last month I had become angry. I wrote an article that was very raw and emotionally driven. One of the most emotional pieces I probably have written in a long time. Sometimes when something is written with such emotion it can trigger someone else. I’m sure it did.


About a month ago my writing was called racist. Basically I was told I had some racist views. Those who truly knew me stopped and asked questions. They asked what was really driving the article. Why did I have such passion behind the words I chose?  Once I explained the meaning they completely understood where I was coming from. We didn’t discuss it again. 


When I had gone to therapy that Monday for an emergency session I was torn and heartbroken that people thought this of me. I had no clue how to change this. I had strived my whole life to not be this person I was now being accused of. At the very least my writing was being accused of. I sat there in therapy crying and not understanding what to do or how to fix this. Even my therapist read it. He even said “I get why they think that. However those who know should know your heart. Any friend of yours would know this. You are not these words that these people are saying. 


I have been banned from groups on a temporary basis. That’s as long as I have shown I’m not a racist then I can come back to the groups. Honestly, I don’t want to be apart of something when people think this of me. Just assume I’m a person when I’m not. I called my best friend of 19 years, who happens to be a person of color, and cried on the phone with her for an hour. I didn’t know what to do. When this all went down. 


Over the course of the last couple of weeks I have now been blocked by a couple of people. It wasn’t until I found out that they thought I outed them on a matter. Once again, instead of just talking to me and figuring out what the heck was going on, I seemed to get some blame. I am not one to put people. I never have nor do I plan on it. If I gave you my word on a matter, I have kept it. 


In both cases it can and probably has ruined my reputation. I think about a friend of mine whose reputation is being tarnished on a matter. I still don’t know if it is worth the reputation or not. Only time shall tell.  For now, I don’t believe it is. Maybe I’m the naive one to think of such a thing. 


When it comes to people's lives , a reputation can be everything. I have another friend who is deeply struggling. Their reputation has been damaged for a stupid thing. They weren’t allowed to explain either. Here I am once again watching my friends' lives get turned upside down because of people and their misunderstandings, miscommunications, to even overheard something wrong. 


In an instant lives can change. Your life can change. Everything you know that matters to you is now gone. For something that is beyond your control. Maybe some of it could be in your control. We are responsible for our own actions. However, sometimes people want to stir the pot because that’s what they are good at. Those are the people who will damage you at the end of the day. 

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