Are You Proud Yet?

 When I was 16 years old I got my first job. I worked in a nursing home about 30 minutes from where I lived. My mom was a CNA at the time. I worked with the kitchen staff. I didn’t completely hate it there. I didn’t like it either really.  The people were overall friendly. 

When I moved further south to the Champaign area I started work at a movie theater. I was about 17 years old at this time. I was getting ready to be a junior in high school. I did hate that job and was there two weeks til I found Berean Bookstore. There I stayed for nearly two years. I was there til graduation. At least near graduation. After Berean I worked at Walmart from about 2000 to about 2003. 

In Feb 2003 I got fired from missing too much work. They couldn’t find my doctor's notes. Here I was nearly pregnant. I couldn’t keep anything down. Such is life right?  By the time my daughter came into this world my ex husband barely started working full time himself. I never did find a job. From 2003 to 2018 I didn’t work. 

When my daughter got older I wanted to work. I talked it over with my ex-husband multiple times about me working. He always said “as long as you work around tiffani you can. Meaning you need to be off when she is off.  No exceptions. “. With that being said, who is going to hire me and let me be off every school holiday including summer break?  The school was the only place to apply. I did, twice, apply at the school. I got denied twice. With us only having one car, I could only work at one school. 

As the years went on I didn’t work.  I stopped trying to work. When I mentioned it he would get upset about me being up the thought about her going into daycare. Like it was some sin for her to be in it. His only excuse was he never was. He wanted to raise our daughter exactly like he was. 

Fast forward to 2017. He ended up asking for a divorce. I fought hard to get custody of our daughter. After a long battle, I won full custody of her. I moved back home to IL. Now, I can find work, and have family help me raise my daughter. It takes a village to raise kids.  In some countries they take that saying to a whole other level. 

I put in several applications over the course of the year. From Barnes and Nobles to Adult Stores. Everything in between. No one would hire me. I went from 2003-2017 without working. I no longer had work history but volunteer work at the schools. I had to figure out how to get jobs to listen to me. To hear me out.  

In 2018 I worked for 6 months at the same company my mom does. Due to personal matters in my life. Due to stress at work, I had to leave. I would come back from time to time and work on odd jobs for them. I never did leave their systems. Then I’m 2020 just before covid I started to work part-time as a personal assistant for those people with disabilities. I have been there ever since. March 2022 was 2 years for me. I have gained two more consumers over the course of the years. 

Up to this point my family was never proud of me. They never thought what I did was important enough. They looked down on me. Like I was never good enough. Yes, at times my mom did too I felt. Nothing I did could make my family proud. Even working direct sales off and on my whole adult life up to this point. They weren’t proud of me. I know they weren’t. I felt their judgmental looks.

July 2021 I started to work for DyeAddict. At this point I have two regular consumers and now DyeAddictRope. In 2022 I gained that third consumer. July 2022 I started working at the same company as my mom once again. You’d think this would be enough, right?  I have three consumers, I work for DyeAddictRope, and I put in 28 hours a week in an office job. Somehow, I don’t seem to make my family proud. 

When I was talking about working 2-3 jobs any given day I got interrupted and the person told the people I was talking too I only worked for her company. Why does this not matter?  My consumers matter to me.  I work 830-11 with one 1-2 days a week. I work every other week from 830-1030 with one. I work another for a half hour with one. Not including the online things I do for DyeAddictRope. I am not complaining, not really.

I am working a lot. If things stick to the way they are, I’ll be working 6 days for the foreseeable future. How long can my body take before I snap?  I am at my max now to be honest. Jus thinking about working 6 days a week has me stressed thinking about it. I’ll be glad when I can drop my main consumer. Then I’ll have the two lighter ones. Still, it’s a lot of work. 

Do you think my family is proud yet?  No!  I don’t know what I have to do to make my mom and her brother's family proud of me. Yes, I’m fat. I get that. I didn’t work for so many years because of the abuse I endured. When I explain that to my uncles. I get “you could have left”. Could I?  You weren’t in that situation and you have healthy relationships as it appears. 

When is someone going to be proud of me?  My best friend is of me everyday. I know I should take that and run. It’s different when you know your mother or your family are. What do I have to do to make them proud?  I feel like I’m killing myself in the process. I have at this moment 5 part time jobs. My only day off has been Sunday. The past couple of weeks I have had stuff going on on Sundays too.

I get that my family is worried about me if mom dies. Is this really what they had in mind?  If things go according to plan I’ll have a full time job and 4 part time jobs soon. Things will just have to give. I know I’m not giving DyeAddictRope. That’s like the easiest thing I have done. A lot of it I can work around my everyday job. Other ones I’ll have to part with. 

Something is going to have to give.  Right?