Well, That Was Hard

 I pulled up to therapy today and parked my car. I stared at the door and decided what to do. I looked at the time and saw I had about 15 minutes before I had to go in for my session. I turned off my car and cracked my window. I continued to figure out what I was doing. 

I was beyond nauseous and I felt like throwing up. I took meds to help me feel better before I left the house. For the first time in all of my years of therapy I was sick to my stomach at the thought of going in. I was trying to distract myself by playing on my phone. All I could focus on was the anxiety and the way my leg was twitching in the car. 

As the time ticked on I was hoping my nerves would settle down. They only increased as time passed. By now it was about time to go in for my session. I still didn’t know how I was going to get out of this car. Then I looked up.  My therapist was walking by me. I said to myself “oh great, I have been spotted.  Now I have to go in”. I still didn’t know how I was going in today's session. 

With a little bit of coaching from my therapist I did end up going in. I sat down and began to twitch. My anxiety was even higher inside than it was outside. As I told him, it’s because you're a guy.  I really didn’t want to be here. I knew I needed to be. I explained how I felt sick to my stomach and I wanted to get sick. This was all new to me. 

As we sat there I tried to talk. I tried to answer his questions. I knew deep down that I was safe. I still didn’t feel safe. It had nothing to do with him. He has been amazing through everything in helping me through my trauma. He has taught me to get up quicker and dust myself off. Today was different. 

As he began to speak his words began to hit me. I tried so hard to make my tears not flow. I put my fingers to my tear ducts in hopes the tears would stop. They only built behind my fingers. As soon as I let go of my eyes the tears fell.  This isn’t like me crying. I have rarely cried in his office. I can count on one hand that I have. 

I wanted to stop the tears. I felt like I needed to be stronger. I felt like I was failing people if I cried. If I cried then I was still the victim. I didn’t know what to do but shed tears. I did all I could to stop them. They kept creeping out. 

All I could keep hearing was how it was ok to cry. I knew I needed to. I still need to. I need to teach myself that it is ok. I need to allow people to love me. I am having issues with letting people do that too. I don’t know how to do this. It’s something I am working on. 

A lot of today we sat in silence. I just couldn’t get the words out. I didn’t know how to express my thoughts or feelings. I wish I knew how. I wish I knew how where I didn’t feel like I was judged. I know I’m not judged in his office. Now it’s trying to tell my brain this. 

After so many years of being told I can’t have feelings. It’s been hard to reverse those thoughts. As I continued to sit in my therapist’s office I tried to keep my tears under control. Even as I sit here typing this I keep telling myself my feelings are valid and this is all okay. 

One thing I kept being reminded of was how far I have come. The growth I have done over the course of the year was showing today. Even though I didn’t see it or feel it, he did. I guess that is what was important. 

As the session came to a close I was starting to feel better and not as anxious. The tears were still a battle. I didn’t feel sick to my stomach anymore. I just wish it wasn’t so hard.

One thing I do have to say is how patient my therapist is. With me trying not to cry and not shut down he was in no rush to make me talk. He sat there letting me feel what I needed too in a safe place. He let me speak when I needed to. I think that helped me feel safe in time I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t feel safe due to the world around me. His office was one of the safe places I have now. Work is a safe place for me. I’d rather be buried in work than be at home. Not many places do I feel safe. I hope the feeling will change. 

I have to remember to be kind to myself. I need to remember to care for myself. Which includes me staying on top of my meds. Remember to eat and drink water. I know I am lacking at times in both sections. I will get better as time goes on. It’s just a matter of time. 

As hard as today was. As much as I didn’t want to go in. I think it was good for me to have done so. I may not feel 100% better. I do feel like my shoulders are not as heavy. It was just good to know someone could get angry for me and with me.