Insecurities

-

 I haven’t written in awhile. Part of it was my mental health was way off. I just needed a break from the world. I stepped back from a lot of things. I am hoping to get some time to tie again and just do things again. 


Lately, my insecurities are getting the best of me most days. I find it hard when I like someone new. I am so afraid to show any feelings towards that person. I feel like what if they are talking to others?  What if they are dating other girls? Do they have a wife or a girlfriend? The thoughts flood my brain. I know they are silly. 


I have thoughts of wanting to go to a friend's house. Do they really like me?  Do they just pretend to like me? What if I want to do this thing. The reason they keep putting it off is because they really don’t like me. 


Ever since my last serious relationship I have found I am more insecure about these things. He was married, he cheated on me with someone not his wife. The relationship we had was just toxic from what I’m learning. Every insecure thought I had I was made to feel crazy. Like I was going crazy. 


My ex husband I know was talking to his current wife before we were separated. According to his logic, he cheated on me. In all honesty, I swear there was more to it than meets the eye. I was made to feel crazy in that relationship too. 


When I hear a person I like use the term “we” I get nervous . There is no reason for me to. Most likely they are with their mates. Sometimes they are talking about their kids. This is where I feel the reassurance shit needs to come in. Be like, my mates and I did this. Instead my brain goes wild. 


Due to the trauma that I have endured for so long. I don’t know how to not feel insecure. I want to feel things for people. I want to know that I like them for real. I can’t allow myself long enough to feel something. That is something I am struggling with now. There is this guy who is good looking. We are hitting it off. My brain is like he is a dude, we can’t trust him. My walls go up so high. 


The last couple of guys I have shown interest in have triggered me or ghosted me. The last one made comments about not letting me out of my office. That was a huge trigger for me. He didn’t act like he was joking. I did turn him in. Needless to say, I didn’t like him for long. The moment I let my walls down I felt like I got hurt and disappointed yet again. 


How do I approach this one?  I’m so afraid to show my feelings. Let them know I’m way interested in them. Let them know my dating apps are off until we know if we click or not. Then I don’t want to see creepy. I don’t know if there is a middle. 


With my friend, I feel like I’m that friend that people pity and put up with. They just feel sorry for me. So they have to be my friend. I feel that a lot when I go to my friends. Like “why are you here?”  I think if they knew how I felt they’d feel bad. At the same time, I don’t want the truth either. 


Rarely do I go to this person’s house to do planned things. Normally I don’t care if we don’t. Lately, it has bothered me. Just because I have asked and get turned down after a yes. I get the cancellations. Is it always going to be a cancellation. The sad thing is, I schedule this thing. I just assume it’s getting canceled. 9 times out of 10 it does. I shouldn’t live to expect that. 


In both situations I am left feeling lost. Feeling like I don’t know what to do. The insecurities creep in and flood my brain. I don’t know how to stop it anymore. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Hard Year

-
  7 months ago, in August 2023, my world changed forever. My mom got rushed to the hospital. The words I never thought I’d hear come from the medical responders “she has a-fib.” Growing up around paramedics most of my life, I knew that wasn’t a good sign for my mom to be in. That was pretty much the last time she was home.  Four weeks in the hospital, followed by two weeks of rehab. Ok great she can be released. The last week in September she came home on a Saturday. By Monday she was rushed back to the hospital for a-fib again. Another two weeks in the hospital and off to rehab again. This time she was in a nursing home rehab. That is where she has stayed. She hasn’t come home. She continues to battle this.  I sat in the primary’s office this past Monday. She asked me how my mental health was doing. I checked in and said therapy was hard. I let it all go. The tears came flooding down. From a hard day at work and therapy.  I couldn’t contain it anymore.  As the tears streamed dow
Read more

9-1-1 and Dispatch

-
  I have learned if you have PTSD and not an actual emergency in my area, no one will be called out. Due to a recent event my daughter, who is 20 and autistic, called 911.  My daughter stated someone hit my car with their bike, the man was yelling at us, and I was in a panic attack.  Due to no injury, there was nothing dispatch could do.   Let’s back up a little bit to 2016. In 2016 I actually hit a pedestrian. I broke their femur and they had some bumps and bruises too. They survived thankfully. It took years before I could finally accept the fact that she was fine and I needed to let go of the guilt I was carrying around with me.  Fast forward back to May 14th. My daughter wasn’t on her phone. She always pay attention to our surroundings while I drive. She knows living on campus that people are stupid. This time was no different. She let me know there was a bike pulling out of our subdivision as I was pulling in. I swerved just a little bit and stopped. The bike then swerved into
Read more

Anxiety, PTSD, and Ticks Oh My!

-
  My fingers tapping in the air as if I am playing a piano. My mind is racing. I can see the sirens, the person on the ground. tap tap tapping in the air the flashback continues to when I hit someone. The rush of anxiety and PTSD rushes over me like a wave. An unstoppable wave crashing. Unable to stop the waves. tapping continues I wonder if this will ever stop, this tick I have developed.  The year was 2016.  When I hit a 75 year old lady named Bonnie (name changed for identification purposes). I remember the blaring of the sirens that came flooding down the streets. Her lying on the ground. Me yelling at people not to move her.  This day has been engraved in my head. This day is when I developed my first tick.  As the years progressed I learned how to control it. I learned what worked and what didn’t. I learned some meds helped.  Even some fidgets worked. I had this down. Occasionally, I’d have a moment of flashback and my tapping would start. It would look like I was playing the key
Read more