Vulnerability

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 For as long as I can remember I felt a hard interior about me. Not cold, but hard. I find myself hard to get to know. I try and keep people out as much as I can. I push people away if they are in my circle. I know I do this for many reasons. 


This week in therapy I told my therapist I hated this feeling. I hated feeling anything . I hated getting frustrated easily, crying more easy, etc. He looked at me said “you hate feeling vulnerable.”  Honestly, I could not disagree with him. Even, if I wanted too.  I couldn’t do it. 


For me if I show. Sign of weakness then that meant trouble for me. It meant that my partners could use my tears and my emotions against me. They have in the past used them against me. 


Showing any source of vulnerability is bad in my book. It means I am weak. It means I am not strong enough. It means I am feeling insecure and being sensitive again. It means I’m allowing someone in. Breaking down walls.


Walls that have always protected me. The times I have let my walls crumble, I got hurt. Most of the time emotionally and mentally. Now, I feel even more vulnerable. More than ever. I don’t even know how to deal with it. It is coming out in jealousy to some.  Showing massive insecurities to others. 


Even though I am healing and growing in many areas. I feel like I am failing in others. Like not keeping my feelings and emotions in check. I have no clue how to do that. 

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