Scattered Brain

-

 Lately as I am shopping or just doing everyday tasks I end up staring off into space. I don’t even know why I do it. It’s like my brain malfunctions and it has to reboot. Then I come back and am like uh….. what was I doing. I even go “my brain broke.” I may say “my brain stopped.” What is bad is when your daughter has to keep being you back. 


She was trying to get my attention in the store while we were shopping at Costco. I stopped in the aisle and just stared at something. Honestly, I forgot why I stopped to look at the item. I kept moving once she brought me back. What’s bad is she is telling me I am getting worse. 


Even at work I am noticing simple words are not coming like they should. My thoughts just stop. I lose my train of thought. Somehow I get back to it and I continue on. I  told this all started when things got really bad at work. The stress started to pick up. Maybe that is true. My body doesn’t deal with stress well. 


Honestly, if I want to be honest with myself, I think it started back when I found out someone came back in the community. Someone who hurt me. I don’t know if I am doing as well as I think I am. I really haven’t been to any events since it all happened. I know Deep down I am safe. I think a part of me keeps looking over my shoulder. 


I have been in this fight or flight mode for years. My body doesn’t know any difference. Now, I'm trying to learn not to be in this mode. At times I don’t think I will ever get out of it. I know I will. I know it will take time. 


I am learning more about me, more about why I tick and how I tick through therapy. At times I hate therapy and it’s hard. I can be triggered as I process. I think I’m the long run, it’s a good thing. I’m finally working through years and years of trauma. 


Maybe when I work through most of it, I won’t have a scattered brain. My brain won’t malfunction. It won’t reboot for a lack of a better term. For now, I’m living it.  I’m writing when I can to help. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Hard Year

-
  7 months ago, in August 2023, my world changed forever. My mom got rushed to the hospital. The words I never thought I’d hear come from the medical responders “she has a-fib.” Growing up around paramedics most of my life, I knew that wasn’t a good sign for my mom to be in. That was pretty much the last time she was home.  Four weeks in the hospital, followed by two weeks of rehab. Ok great she can be released. The last week in September she came home on a Saturday. By Monday she was rushed back to the hospital for a-fib again. Another two weeks in the hospital and off to rehab again. This time she was in a nursing home rehab. That is where she has stayed. She hasn’t come home. She continues to battle this.  I sat in the primary’s office this past Monday. She asked me how my mental health was doing. I checked in and said therapy was hard. I let it all go. The tears came flooding down. From a hard day at work and therapy.  I couldn’t contain it anymore.  As the tears streamed dow
Read more

9-1-1 and Dispatch

-
  I have learned if you have PTSD and not an actual emergency in my area, no one will be called out. Due to a recent event my daughter, who is 20 and autistic, called 911.  My daughter stated someone hit my car with their bike, the man was yelling at us, and I was in a panic attack.  Due to no injury, there was nothing dispatch could do.   Let’s back up a little bit to 2016. In 2016 I actually hit a pedestrian. I broke their femur and they had some bumps and bruises too. They survived thankfully. It took years before I could finally accept the fact that she was fine and I needed to let go of the guilt I was carrying around with me.  Fast forward back to May 14th. My daughter wasn’t on her phone. She always pay attention to our surroundings while I drive. She knows living on campus that people are stupid. This time was no different. She let me know there was a bike pulling out of our subdivision as I was pulling in. I swerved just a little bit and stopped. The bike then swerved into
Read more

Anxiety, PTSD, and Ticks Oh My!

-
  My fingers tapping in the air as if I am playing a piano. My mind is racing. I can see the sirens, the person on the ground. tap tap tapping in the air the flashback continues to when I hit someone. The rush of anxiety and PTSD rushes over me like a wave. An unstoppable wave crashing. Unable to stop the waves. tapping continues I wonder if this will ever stop, this tick I have developed.  The year was 2016.  When I hit a 75 year old lady named Bonnie (name changed for identification purposes). I remember the blaring of the sirens that came flooding down the streets. Her lying on the ground. Me yelling at people not to move her.  This day has been engraved in my head. This day is when I developed my first tick.  As the years progressed I learned how to control it. I learned what worked and what didn’t. I learned some meds helped.  Even some fidgets worked. I had this down. Occasionally, I’d have a moment of flashback and my tapping would start. It would look like I was playing the key
Read more