Random Thoughts

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 As I am going through therapy I am feeling things I didn’t know I could feel. I think some of it is normal. I think some of it stems from abuse. Honestly, right now I don’t know which is which. Is it normal or is it something I really need to work on. 


My whole life I have been friends with guys. Most of my childhood my friends were guys. I can count on one hand how many were. Even now as an adult if you were to look on my Snapchat, you’d see mostly guys. For some reason I have felt like I could always relate to them. Maybe deep down that isn’t true. Maybe I felt like I had to prove something.


As an adult I have found I became good friends with guys whose marriages seemed to have fallen on the rocks. One of my last relationships was just like that. His wife and him were getting a divorce. I became good friends with him. Once, he and his wife got back together. I got replaced.


One of my best friends is a guy. All the time I feel like I will be forgotten when he is with his family. I know that isn’t true. As I sit here and type this up, I am making connections of why I seriously think that. 


When I was a teenager I got to meet my dad. For the first time I met my dad and his wife at the time. His wife was a very lovely lady. Her sons were terrific. It was nice having older brothers. I never had them before. I felt like I was part of the family. When they got a divorce, I had my dad's attention. 


Once he got remarried that was it. I no longer had his attention. He couldn’t be married and have a daughter. I tried to call him out on that. I would be told I’m wrong. Yet, when he was single, I meant the world to him. I existed in his world. 


Honestly, it seems like that when it comes to some people in my life. I never mattered to them. I only mattered to them when they had time for me. That was from my childhood to my marriage, to even friends I formed. 


My friends would ask me why I was friends with certain boys. I said “because they are nice to me when they aren’t with their friends”. As an adult, the. Were they ever my friends?  I was taught from even then that I could only be someone’s friend if they had time for me.  


I found out someone had a crush on me growing up. They didn’t dare act on it. Go forbid if they liked the fat kid and they were a jock. Once again, I’m taught no one is supposed to like the fat kid no matter what. You can like the fat kid but only in secret. 


It’s funny how actions like these play such a huge role in your life as an adult. Here I am jealous of a friend’s relationship most of the time. I tell them all the time I’m terrified I am going to be replaced and forget about me. In reality, I doubt that they would forget about me. When your brain is trained for so many years that men don’t like you. Men only like you during certain times, it’s hard to think otherwise. 


As I have been going through therapy this has been happening. I start with one thing. It leads me to another path. Which is all connected. The feelings I begin to feel behind it all. Feelings I never felt before. 


The feelings of me hugging one of my guy friends. Him just standing there like I have cooties. Like how dare I touch him. Him acting like he didn’t care when something happened in my life. 


All these memories I forgot about are flooding in my brain. I don’t even know if this is normal. Maybe it is normal. These are all memories that had a negative feeling that I suppressed. Now I need to feel these things. 


This whole writing started because I felt like a friend was leaving me because that’s how I have been trained to believe. 

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