Tali’s World

  “Please take a shower when you get home” my therapist said Monday.  I have been taking sponge baths. Enough so I know my areas and I don’t stink. I have made sure the dirt was wiped away.  I was ok with that. The truth and the matter was, it’s all I could do.  Mental health has taken such a toll on me, I didn’t even want to take a sponge bath. Now, my therapist wants me to stand in a shower.  Yesterday I finally gathered up enough spoons to do just that. I gathered my clean clothes and headed to the bathroom. I got my shower gel that I wanted and prepared for my shower.  I just stood there looking at the shower. Not being able to move. I don’t know how long it was before I had talked myself into actually moving and getting in the shower. Turning on the water and letting it hit my skin. The moment it did, I began to cry.  I was lost in a world I didn’t recognize. A world where depression, anxiety, and fear took over me. Standing there was so much effort, I didn’t know how to do this.

Today I’m struggling. I feel as if I am on autopilot. I am in a world where I am standing still and everything is passing past me at high speed. Nothing in the world right now is focused. It’s just a blur.  As I sat at the red light today running errands I just sat there with a blank stare. The cars are pulling forward and I didn’t even notice. It wasn’t until my car beeped to let me know I needed to move. As I continued to drive I felt like I was standing still.  I feel numb inside. Besides what I am reminded of, I don’t know why I feel so numb and disconnected. I feel myself pulling inward and hiding. I see a mask trying to come forward. Yet, the mask struggles to stay in place.  Honestly, I don’t know what I feel. I feel alone to a point. After a conversation I just had with a friend, it makes me pull inside even more. It reminds me that I am unable to find a Dom. I am unable to find a Daddy. Sometimes I just need structure too.   It has been hard to be single for as long as I have.