Feeling Numb

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Today I’m struggling. I feel as if I am on autopilot. I am in a world where I am standing still and everything is passing past me at high speed. Nothing in the world right now is focused. It’s just a blur. 


As I sat at the red light today running errands I just sat there with a blank stare. The cars are pulling forward and I didn’t even notice. It wasn’t until my car beeped to let me know I needed to move. As I continued to drive I felt like I was standing still. 


I feel numb inside. Besides what I am reminded of, I don’t know why I feel so numb and disconnected. I feel myself pulling inward and hiding. I see a mask trying to come forward. Yet, the mask struggles to stay in place. 


Honestly, I don’t know what I feel. I feel alone to a point. After a conversation I just had with a friend, it makes me pull inside even more. It reminds me that I am unable to find a Dom. I am unable to find a Daddy. Sometimes I just need structure too.  


It has been hard to be single for as long as I have. It’s hard not to have someone giving me guidance everyday. Someone telling me it’s ok to do this or not. I am trying so hard to fight the numbness that is trying to take over me. 


I wear a collar everyday to help me feel grounded. Then I say why am I really doing it?  It just looks like I am taken. Maybe I need to remove my collar, remove my rings.  Maybe I need to act a certain way. 


Then I hear how I am not good enough. I need to play nice with my coworkers. The feeling of numbness and shutting down wants to take over. How do I stop it?

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