I Took a Shower

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 “Please take a shower when you get home” my therapist said Monday. 


I have been taking sponge baths. Enough so I know my areas and I don’t stink. I have made sure the dirt was wiped away.  I was ok with that. The truth and the matter was, it’s all I could do.  Mental health has taken such a toll on me, I didn’t even want to take a sponge bath. Now, my therapist wants me to stand in a shower. 


Yesterday I finally gathered up enough spoons to do just that. I gathered my clean clothes and headed to the bathroom. I got my shower gel that I wanted and prepared for my shower. 


I just stood there looking at the shower.

Not being able to move.


I don’t know how long it was before I had talked myself into actually moving and getting in the shower. Turning on the water and letting it hit my skin. The moment it did, I began to cry.  I was lost in a world I didn’t recognize. A world where depression, anxiety, and fear took over me. Standing there was so much effort, I didn’t know how to do this.


I finally told myself I was ok enough to talk myself into putting soap in my hair. Now on my loofa. I was able to rinse off with all the strength I had left. I got out of the shower. 


I sat on the bed dripping wet. 

Crying and full of anxiety.

I, I took a shower. It was the hardest thing I did. I don’t know why.  I sat there covered up in a towel.  Trying to calm myself down. Telling myself. It was just a shower. 


It wasn’t a shower. It was self care. It was taking care of me. It was me trying to get past this depression that has gripped me by the throat. 


All I hear from people is “oh my god you took a shower, don’t you feel better?”  All I wanted to do was hide in a hole. I felt like do you not know?  Do you not realize this was so hard for me to do?  The tone behind that was, I don’t know, made me feel worse. 


I took a shower.  Here I am not wanting to take a shower again. Maybe I will get to a point where I can. Right now, it’s hard. It’s really really hard. 

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