2023 Closes

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 As the year closes I try and write one of these up. Tell you all about how my year has been. It’s a brief moment some of you get to see a side of me when you may not have. This year I think has been the hardest for me emotionally and mentally. I also think I found the most growth. 


The beginning of this year I took a step back from my second job. A job that I loved. I had to for my mental health. The choice was not mine to make, but it was made for me by my boss and the rest of the team. I fought my boss on it but I understood. I was devastated about losing the income that I had. I didn’t know then, that was the best choice. 


As the months continued my depression got worse. It got bad enough for the first time my therapist got worried about me. In the two years I had been with him, this was the first time he got concerned. Honestly, I was getting worried if I was going to survive by the end of the year. 


Work became harder and everything around me seemed impossible. When August rolled around I didn’t know how to survive. My mom once again got very sick with her heart. A week turned into two, then three, and before we knew it it was four weeks in the hospital. The more she tried to come home, the more she had to stay. 


By October my mom ended up in a nursing home. She decided to retire. That is where she decided to stay for her health. I was unable to take care of her. Health wise she is doing much better. 


Not only did I have all of this going on, I learned so much about me. I learned to set boundaries. I learned to keep those boundaries. I learned it was ok not to answer every text, not answer every call, and even shut my phone off for a few hours. Self-care became important to me. I am slowly getting better at that. 


The biggest thing I learned is to distance myself from those who are negative all the time. I learned that negative people bring me down. I can’t have that for my own mental health. I don’t watch the news, ever. It’s due to the negativity on it. Those who become manipulative, gaslighting, or even narcissistic, I have distanced myself. For my own mental health I have needed that. 


I have learned a lot about co-dependency. Even though I think I may deal with that one one of my friendships, I do try on a daily basis to fix the problem. I am always working on myself and making myself better. Those who still grasp for the dependency I am working on distancing myself. I am trying to make them grow as well as myself. 


The hardest thing this year has been growth. I have done a lot of healing when it comes to my abuse. I still have triggers, I have trigger responses, but they are far and few between. It is way better than it has been. 


I have gotten promoted this year, learned how to be an adult, and somehow still function. I am not sure how everything is going on. I have done it. I have survived a year where I thought I wasn’t. I have to thank my amazing support system. My best friend, one of my bosses and his family, and even 988 had been a huge help this year. 


I learned that family isn’t always blood. That was the hardest lesson I learned this year. Family is those who show up for you. Who loves you u conditionally, builds you up, etc. that is the hardest lesson of them all. 


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