Hard Year

 7 months ago, in August 2023, my world changed forever. My mom got rushed to the hospital. The words I never thought I’d hear come from the medical responders “she has a-fib.” Growing up around paramedics most of my life, I knew that wasn’t a good sign for my mom to be in. That was pretty much the last time she was home. 

Four weeks in the hospital, followed by two weeks of rehab. Ok great she can be released. The last week in September she came home on a Saturday. By Monday she was rushed back to the hospital for a-fib again. Another two weeks in the hospital and off to rehab again. This time she was in a nursing home rehab. That is where she has stayed. She hasn’t come home. She continues to battle this. 

I sat in the primary’s office this past Monday. She asked me how my mental health was doing. I checked in and said therapy was hard. I let it all go. The tears came flooding down. From a hard day at work and therapy.  I couldn’t contain it anymore. 

As the tears streamed down she was amazed by the tears. She saw me as this strong person. This person with a hard exterior that doesn’t show feelings or emotions. Here I am letting them out. I looked at her and said “yes, I’m human”. I was stunned by the way she was responding to my tears. I guess it does come as a shock to some. 

My whole life I have had to shove my feelings down. I could tell you how I felt. If I did, it was a kissing contest on whose day was the worst. Whose pain was the worst. I stopped acknowledging my emotions. Then when I got married it was even worse. I was told I was wrong. Then by the time I found a healthier relationship, I was made to feel crazy. 

I get it!  When people talk to me you hear the strength and the toughness. I can only carry on for so long before I break. Honestly, it’s been a lot lately. I have had to manage all the bills in my house for the first time. I have had to learn to live by myself for the first time. I have new stresses that I am trying to manage. On top of this with a new position at work. 

I feel like I am failing daily. I feel like I don’t have it. Somehow I made it to the next day. Don’t ask me how. I am low on spoons daily. I feel like I am going to go crazy any minute. I have managed to stay out together til I go to bed. 

Calling 988 has been a saving grace for me over these last 7 months. I have felt like I wouldn’t have survived or kept my goals if I didn’t have them. It’s hard sometimes to preach something when you struggle to utilize the same tools you preach. Everyday, something about me changes. 

I feel like I lose my footing or I am drowning. At the same time I need to find a new tool to help me gain the distance I need. Just to push and make it further. I have realized how important mental health is. How important it is to keep it from getting overworked and overwhelmed. Now, if others can see that. Then it would be good. 

Somehow the people around you don't see that. They like to continue the manipulation, gaslighting, guilt tripping, whatever their abusive tactics are. They want their needs met. I get sometimes you need to think of their needs. At the end of the day, if you are no good to yourself, you are no good to them.