Do I Need to Change

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 Recently, I was told I was strong-willed, don’t sugarcoat it kind of a person, hard headed, stubborn, etc. I told a person I was having trouble forming relations. At the end of the day, it seemed to come back on me.


When I was married, I felt like I had to constantly change. Mold into this person that I wasn’t happy with. Becoming this person I soon discovered wasnt me. I changed how I acted, hid things about me that he didn’t like, stopped eating food, and became more self conscious about my body.  The list of things can go on. The list of changes go on with it. 


As time went on, I was told once again to change. Be strong and don’t cry right now.  I felt like I was forced to only show this strong side of me. I learned to create this hard shell around me. Which in return, did protect me.  It also turned me into a person I didn’t like once again. I felt like I couldn’t be myself once again. 


A few years ago I was a submissive for someone. The whole time I was with him I was trying to form into this submissive he wanted. I never felt good enough. I felt like I was failing as a sub. No matter how I tried changing, it was never good enough for him. At least, that’s what I thought. There was a lot of things going on which played into me feeling that way. 


Over the last few days I have had a few conversations with people. It has boiled down to me getting hurt once again. Me getting blocked for no reason. Losing friendships I was trying to develop. Once again I am faced with needing to change. 


I was told I was strong-willed and a lot of other things. Told people don’t like others who are like me. I am faced with the conversations I had, were my fault for failing. If I wasn’t these things, then I’d still have these relationships I was trying to develop. 


I don’t want to sit here and lie to you about something and have you believe those lies. If I want to keep these relationships and not lie, I have to change, again. If I change and meld into society then I can fit in better. That’s important, right?


Why do I have to change once again to fit into society when they can’t change for me? That would be a lot to ask I presume. That is now something I am trying to wrap my head around. Needing to change again to a society who will never change for me. If I want to fit into a society, then I need to adapt to them. A person needs friends to survive.  Right?


I am at the point, I don’t know anymore. I know I am tired of being ghosted, blocked, unfriended, stood up, told I need change, etc. what do I do?  Right now I want to give up.  Give up on making new friends. Give up on finding love in my home state. Give up forming any meaningful relationships. The ones I have now, I don’t trust anymore.the majority of them I don’t. Then again, maybe I am better off alone. Then I wouldn’t have to change.  Maybe I will?


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