Not Again

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Over the last year or so my therapist and my best friend have been pushing me to date again. I kept putting it off.  I had my reasons for doing so. I kept saying things like “when I’m in a healthier place.”  Truth is, I am always going to be growing. I am always going to be striving to get better. 


For me, I am not one to give out my phone number right away.  I don’t like video chatting right away. For me, it’s like once I do, something happens. I don’t know what it is. I am told if I don’t put myself out there, how can I find someone.


Last week this guy interacted with me. Started to say all the right things. I did one of the hardest, I gave them my number. We chatted a couple of times on the phone. We also snapped chatted. We did a couple of video calls. If I feel like I am dominating the conversation I will back off some. I want the other person to feel like they can be heard too.  


About two or so days in I went to send this person a picture. Something I found interesting. With no warning, I was blocked from all social media outlets that he had me on. Not only was I blocked, I was ghosted and blocked. That has stung a little bit. Ok, it has stung a lot. 


I stopped putting myself out there in 2022. I was tired of being stood up, ghosted, blocked, etc. No matter what I did it came down to the guy just no longer interested in me. Honestly, I wish I knew what I did.  Then maybe I could change it or work on it. 


The pain is still there. It hurts just as bad today as it did last week. As it did two years ago. I looked my best friend in the eye again this past weekend and said “can I finally give up?” Honestly, why should I keep putting myself out there if I am going to keep getting ghosted. That just creates more walls. It makes me more guarded. I  am already pretty guarded. 


Tomorrow I get to sit in therapy and get to tell my therapist why I don’t put myself out there. When I try, this shit happens. I had a small glimmer that this may have been different. Then, I guess that makes me the stupid one, doesn’t it. 




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