Not Again

-

Over the last year or so my therapist and my best friend have been pushing me to date again. I kept putting it off.  I had my reasons for doing so. I kept saying things like “when I’m in a healthier place.”  Truth is, I am always going to be growing. I am always going to be striving to get better. 


For me, I am not one to give out my phone number right away.  I don’t like video chatting right away. For me, it’s like once I do, something happens. I don’t know what it is. I am told if I don’t put myself out there, how can I find someone.


Last week this guy interacted with me. Started to say all the right things. I did one of the hardest, I gave them my number. We chatted a couple of times on the phone. We also snapped chatted. We did a couple of video calls. If I feel like I am dominating the conversation I will back off some. I want the other person to feel like they can be heard too.  


About two or so days in I went to send this person a picture. Something I found interesting. With no warning, I was blocked from all social media outlets that he had me on. Not only was I blocked, I was ghosted and blocked. That has stung a little bit. Ok, it has stung a lot. 


I stopped putting myself out there in 2022. I was tired of being stood up, ghosted, blocked, etc. No matter what I did it came down to the guy just no longer interested in me. Honestly, I wish I knew what I did.  Then maybe I could change it or work on it. 


The pain is still there. It hurts just as bad today as it did last week. As it did two years ago. I looked my best friend in the eye again this past weekend and said “can I finally give up?” Honestly, why should I keep putting myself out there if I am going to keep getting ghosted. That just creates more walls. It makes me more guarded. I  am already pretty guarded. 


Tomorrow I get to sit in therapy and get to tell my therapist why I don’t put myself out there. When I try, this shit happens. I had a small glimmer that this may have been different. Then, I guess that makes me the stupid one, doesn’t it. 




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Hard Year

-
  7 months ago, in August 2023, my world changed forever. My mom got rushed to the hospital. The words I never thought I’d hear come from the medical responders “she has a-fib.” Growing up around paramedics most of my life, I knew that wasn’t a good sign for my mom to be in. That was pretty much the last time she was home.  Four weeks in the hospital, followed by two weeks of rehab. Ok great she can be released. The last week in September she came home on a Saturday. By Monday she was rushed back to the hospital for a-fib again. Another two weeks in the hospital and off to rehab again. This time she was in a nursing home rehab. That is where she has stayed. She hasn’t come home. She continues to battle this.  I sat in the primary’s office this past Monday. She asked me how my mental health was doing. I checked in and said therapy was hard. I let it all go. The tears came flooding down. From a hard day at work and therapy.  I couldn’t contain it anymore.  A...
Read more

9-1-1 and Dispatch

-
  I have learned if you have PTSD and not an actual emergency in my area, no one will be called out. Due to a recent event my daughter, who is 20 and autistic, called 911.  My daughter stated someone hit my car with their bike, the man was yelling at us, and I was in a panic attack.  Due to no injury, there was nothing dispatch could do.   Let’s back up a little bit to 2016. In 2016 I actually hit a pedestrian. I broke their femur and they had some bumps and bruises too. They survived thankfully. It took years before I could finally accept the fact that she was fine and I needed to let go of the guilt I was carrying around with me.  Fast forward back to May 14th. My daughter wasn’t on her phone. She always pay attention to our surroundings while I drive. She knows living on campus that people are stupid. This time was no different. She let me know there was a bike pulling out of our subdivision as I was pulling in. I swerved just a little bit and stopped. Th...
Read more

A Small Reminder

-
 Trigger Warning: talks of suicidal ideations, self-harm, and depression Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. As I sit here this morning waiting for my house to wake up, I am thinking about several different things. For just a moment, I am going to be open and vulnerable. Which I know is a shocker for some.  This time last year I was battling depression pretty bad. Those who saw me daily, watched this struggle day in and day out. My mom was battling AFIB. She was in and out of hospitals. Then in and out of nursing homes for rehabs. For a small moment, I didn’t think she was going to make it to Christmas. I told people that. I would say “if she makes it to Christmas, I’ll be surprised.”  She did, she made it through another year. The thing is, I don’t talk about my personal life very often. Because it’s just that, personal. I didn’t talk about the internal struggles I was facing last year. A lot of times, I don’t even know I knew how to express into words.  When people go throug...
Read more