TW - Fighting Depression

 TW: talk of self harm and suicide

Since the age of 13 years of age I have been self harming. I am now 42 years of age. I go through spells of where I don’t at all. I went 12 years without self harming. Then my car accident happened in 2016. I stopped again in 2019. Here it is 2024, I find myself struggling more and more not to. 

I use my coping skill and my self-care techniques all the time. They just distract me for a few moments. Then I am back where I was.  Battling depression and the urge to grab the tool I have always used. Once I leave my bedroom, I have access to it all.

May 2013,2024 I was in a car accident again. That triggered my PTSD and my night terrors. I have yet to get them fully under control. The doctors tried giving me sleep medications. It doesn’t work. I am awake within 2-4 hours after taking it. I am the lowest dose. What’s worse is the hangover from the drug. 

Things just keep happening. From being told I can’t trust anyone, having people act like I can’t do a good job at work. When in fact I bust my ass to get it done correctly. Let’s add on my moms mental health depression. That is taking a huge toll on me. I am losing the battle when I get on the phone with her. I just don’t have the energy. 

My brain is trying to see things that are not there. Maybe in truth they are. I feel like my friends are putting space between me and them. Honestly, who can blame them. I am hard to love, the depression is bad again. One of the worst in a long time. I’m waiting for my friends to look, I love you, but we can not talk anymore. Or I love you but, I need to create all this distance. I tell my friends I love them. Yet, I don’t hear it back anymore. 

I hear you, people get busy and have lives of their own. I know that. I also know my friends. I am pretty sure I do at least. All I know is I feel so lost right. I don’t know how to feel. Once again I put myself out there, I got ghosted and blocked. This isn’t the first time. It’s not even the second, the third or the fourth. It happens more than not. Which is why I stopped looking. I understand why my therapist wanted me to put myself out there. This is I didn’t. 

Right now I feel like if I did self harm things would ease up. Then at the end of the day if I did, I wouldn’t stop. I think what it is, I need to take control of something. Since I feel like I am losing control of everything else around me. Things just keep piling up. I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t want to burden people to help me. 

I was once heard those who want to commit suicide will stop talking about their depression. To be honest with you, unless I am pushed, I have stopped talking about it. I have stopped talking about me.  I have done that due to me not wanting to be that burden. I don’t want to weigh you down with the heaviness of the world I am carrying. 

I was told not too long ago “you talk too much about your mental health.”  Now, I really don’t. People don’t want to hear about it. People don’t want to hear about the struggles I am facing and how I am struggling. Even though I have a safety plan on my corkboard, I feel like they don’t see it. Maybe, they do.  I just don’t show symptoms at work. Then again, I’m pretty good at that mask. 

Ever since I was screamed at recently at work, I don’t want to be complaining. I was seen as complaining according to the person who screamed at me. If I tell you what is going on, then I am complaining, right? If I stay quiet and pretend I am not here, then maybe I won’t be seen as complaining. 

I guess over the last month or so, I have been told so much what I can’t do, what people think I am doing, what people think I am not capable of.  It has just come to a head. I have just let everyone around me down. Even though my friends may tell me they love me.  Maybe, I am just too unlovable to notice it. Like I have said before, I have been made to feel like I am just too much.