Thankful and Year of Healing - 2024

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 As the year once again comes to a close, I found myself looking back on this year. I see the ups and the downs. I see the paths that were difficult. I see the paths that were healing. 


In a years time my mother went into a nursing home. I could no longer take care of her. Her medical needs surpassed anything that I could for her. Her mobility went downhill very quickly and she went into a-fib. This past year, I have had to do it on my own. I still don’t know how I did it. 


I learned how to be an adult. I learned more about what bills needed to be paid. More than that, I saw what bills I needed to acquire. Such as homeowners insurance. Living in tornado alley, it’s something I should have. I made it on my income and my alimony, but barely. As the year closes I am most likely losing my alimony. That will be difficult. Thankfully my daughter is working part time. That does help. 


Earlier this year I watched my mental health slide a little bit. In March of this year my work moved to a new location. That took a lot out of staff. Even though it was a good move, it was a lot. I felt like I couldn’t do a job that I thought I was ready for. It turned out the staff compared me so much to my mom. I felt like it was impossible to fill shoes I never wore. 


In May of this year I got in a small accident which set me back. Thankfully no one was hurt. At the time my car didn’t get any damage. It triggered my PTSD terribly. I started to fight even harder for mental health in the police department. I am hoping change will happen. I won’t stop fighting til change happens. 


I have been screamed at twice by staff. Both times I was in a supervisor position. Somehow I managed to stay at work and deal with the outcome of them yelling at me. It’s not something I would wish on anyone. The amount of stress can get to you if you let it. 


In June of this year I fell hard into depression. I was reaching out to 988, doctors, crisis lines in town, anyone who would listen to me. I felt like no one was listening to me. Everyone says ask for help when you need it. I tried. I so desperately tried. Due to me not being suicidal enough, I couldn’t get help. Go figure!  


I ended up seeing my primary who finally listened. She was listening to me. Hearing what was going on. After much discussion I had to see her before I went on vacation. For the first time, I had to be cleared to leave the state. That was the weirdest thing for me.  I did end up getting cleared. She said if I felt like that again, I may have to be hospitalized. 


In July I took a trip to Florida. I stayed on the beach in Daytona. I didn’t know how much I needed that.  I went back to a state that had so much negativity in me. Somehow staring at the ocean on a bright morning, I was able to let go. I finally felt like I was starting to heal. Something in me clicked. I realized that if bills are late, not paid on time, it’s going to be ok. At least I keep making payments when I can. I had to start living. 


My birthday came and went. My daughter made sure I had the best day. For the first time in years, I felt good. I wasn’t in tears, I wasn’t fighting with anyone. I was able to relax and just be with my daughter. 


I learned this year to put toxic people at arms length. Those who make me feel guilty to make themselves feel better isn’t worth it to me. Those who try and manipulate me to get there needs fixed. I don’t want to be around people like that. I don’t want to be around those who are negative all the time. I worked hard this year to be better. 


Boundaries have been set. I am learning to stick to them. I am learning I can only do what is best for me. I have a job, roof over my head, heat, and food in my stomach. We make it do. It hasn’t been an easy year. It has been a year of healing. I am so thankful for those friends who have stuck by me. Who has helped me get through this. My therapist has been amazing. I have a great support team. I am so thankful for those people. 


I am not rich by any means. I am in a home with a roof and food. That is something I’ll never take for granted. So many out there don’t have a roof. Don’t have food in their stomachs. Never take for granted the things you have in life. Have a positive attitude as much as you can. You just may feel a little better. Who knows, you may love yourself a little bit more. 


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