My Mother

No matter how much I miss my mom it’s not getting easier. The hole is still there. I have to remind myself that I am only two months into her death. It will get easier as the months and years go by.  The first holidays are going to be the worst, especially as they roll around. 

Holidays were always her favorite. Growing up we decorated for every holiday. From top to bottom. Every room of the house had something. Every window or windowsill was covered. Each month with a new holiday we took down the old and changed it out for the new. Christmas and Easter we seemed to always go all out. 

When I got into junior high I started to have a party every month. Every month had a theme. It was almost always surrounded by the holiday of the month. It just was a big deal in my household. When I moved to Tolono those parties stopped. My friends and I stopped talking. That was the end of that. The decorations were not as elaborate. Not until she moved in with grandma Shirley. 

After grandma died in 2017 a hole development on moms heart. She was never right. She felt alone. I was off doing my own thing. I wasn’t grandma. I didn’t want to sit and watch tv for hours. Not like her. I had a life. I got a boyfriend. I had a job. It didn’t matter. Mom wanted a companion. I couldn’t be that for her. Her hole grew bigger. 

When she moved to the nursing home. She gave up. The toxic life stopped. Her hovering over me stopped. Her hole only grew. She missed her mom even more. I could never fill this hole she wanted me to fill. No matter how hard I tried. I just couldn’t. I wasn’t her mother. 

Now here I am at a loss. Grieving my mother. Trying to survive. Figuring out how to move on. Move on in a world without my daughter. A world where it’s quiet. I can’t fathom that. Yet here o am. Needing to figure this out. Not fall into a depression where I want to give up and only pray I am with my mom. 

There is a hole when a parent dies. A hole that doesn’t fill. I think it will scab over. I am not sure how that works. At least not yet. Maybe I will one day. I will stand there at her grave and look down at her. I will have this hole begin to fill of something. Something that I can tolerate. Just so I can move on. 

Life comes and it goes. It’s hard to watch. Those loved ones die in front of us. Praying we can have one more word with them. One more I love you. Hear one more breath. Watch our children look at us pray we don’t die. Knowing the circle of life will come too for us as it did for our parents and as it will for them one day. 

We just need to leave this place better than the last person. Pray that our impact will make a difference. Hope their hole isn’t as big. That love will take over the hole. Scab over quickly. Who am I kidding. All the love in the world won’t change the size of the hole in a loved one’s heart. 

I sit here missing my mom everyday. Missing her cute pet names. Her shenanigans. The drama she brought to my life. I never thought I’d miss our daily conversations as much as I do. Just needing someone to talk too. Cause that’s what I miss the most. A friend I had. I didn’t even know how to have her as one. She told all my secrets. I didn’t know I’d miss that one day.