TW: Are These Feelings Normal

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 I have had a lot of feelings brought up over the last few days. This past Saturday I was at a friend's house when I got a text I thought I’d never get. I was told my rapist was back on social media. His picture staring back at me in the text. As I sat there confirming who it was I began to shake. 


I have suffered from PTSD since 2016. It’s when I was first diagnosed. I have been having panic and anxiety attacks way before then. I am not a stranger to these feelings. That night I never felt that way. I have never felt the shaking as bad as I was. I never felt the anxiety and panic hit me like a freight train. 


I notified my friends and let them know what was going on. I stared at them. All I could do was like in their eyes and keep repeating “what are going to do?”  The terror in my eyes and reality has left me. My first thought through all of this was “am I believable now?” For several people, didn't believe it. Here I stand with my friend thinking am I believable now?  What are we going to do, now that he is back. 


It was like I had to be shaken back into reality. For a moment I was thrown back in a time I had hoped I forgot. I was talking to another friend that night. All I could see was me sitting on her gravel drive crying. So shaken that I didn’t know what to do next. Those feelings of feeling so broken were rushing back. I couldn’t stop it. 


The one good thing was I saved someone from getting to him. Getting to my rapist. I have tried to remember this is a good thing. I’m trying to focus on this with all of my might. Yet, the feelings that are starting to flood in, I feel like I shouldn’t feel them. I should feel good that I saved them.  Right?!?


Instead, I feel so alone, unsafe, angry, frustrated, etc. part of me is wondering why this person couldn’t have been stopped before.  Not that I blame anyone, I really don’t. I have talked with leaders in the community about him. There was no good way to report suspicious people. Yet, I keep thinking why wasn’t I saved too?  Then I feel so guilty. I know I did a good thing. 


I am angry that he thought he could come back into a community where he had been banned. He had rejoined groups he was once banned from. All he did was change his name. His face was still the same. I’m angry that he was following someone I knew. How close he was into finding me. I’m angry that I feel like I have to remove all my face pictures and tattoo pictures so he can’t see them. I’m afraid someone might tell him. I feel so paranoid right now. 


The feeling of being unsafe is the worst. I thought I was safe for the last couple of years. I didn’t think he’d return like this. They never hide for long I guess. I am learning that is true. Which makes this feeling even more real to me. The feeling of it runs so deep. I want to feel safe in my city and in my community. Right now I don’t feel like I am in either. 


Here it is about 72 hours later I am still shaking some. Sleeping isn’t a thing. The panic and anxiety attacks are more full force than they have in a long time. All I want is to stop feeling these things. I don’t know how to make these feelings stop. I know when I walk out my door the shaking continues more, the hyper vigilance is higher than ever, and the panic sets in until I am at work. I am guessing this is normal?  Right now, I feel like I am alone and it’s not normal. 


I have been raped before 2018. Those never bothered me. This one, this one bothers me so much. I wish it didn’t. I don’t know if it’s because he is still in my everyday community or he is still trying to hurt people.  Now, possibly people I know.  Yet, I keep being told “focus on the positive”


What’s the positive?  The person didn’t get hurt. I saved her from being a victim. That’s the only good thing. It wasn’t until today that I was told he is being removed from a social media site. Hopefully, he will be off for good. I can’t hold my breath. Besides that, what is good?  I am trying so hard to remember I did good. I’m trying to focus on the one positive. 


I still feel angry and unsafe. Will these feelings ever end?  


All I want is to cry.  I keep finding myself bottling them and hiding them. I have to be strong. 


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