Job Security

July of this year I took on an office job. I was thrilled that I did.  For the first time that I took this job, I felt lost. This past Friday I was warned that my contract may be ending early. I honestly didn’t understand why. With everything I had over this past month, there was talk of letting me go 3 months early. 

I was stunned and I couldn’t believe it. My boss saw me upset and almost wished she hadn’t given me a heads up. What she didn’t know is everything that has transpired just a week ago. It was me having a dream that the higher up was going to lay me off and my boss was going to throw a fit. Here it looked like things were coming true. 

My boss assured me I was taken care of. I had many people who would back me also. I was a hard worker and very dedicated to my job. No matter the position they put me in. I rocked my position like a boss. I didn’t even flinch when things got hard when we were down 5 people with covid. 

As the weekend happened I was trying really hard not to worry about it. I was trying to remember my boss and two others had my back. I would be safe at the end of the day. Worst case was I’d be laid off and rehired later on in the year. 

Monday rolled around and I worked with my consumer. I had told him I’d be applying for an open position at my office job. It would be full time. Take up most of my time. When I told him this, he let me go at the end of my shift on Monday. Now, I’m working 4 jobs instead of 5. I was ok because I thought I had the shoe in for this full time position. 

Monday at work I get told that my job security is still in jeopardy. I need to keep coming to work and act like nothing is going on. I am being told the higher up is pushing for me to leave. I was only supposed to stay for a month. Even though she approved me til November. It didn’t seem to matter. 

I kept doing what I had been doing. Now, even more scared about my job. I’m getting more wind someone outside of my office has applied to work there. They are being pushed to work in the department I was applying for. I had to just ignore this. Act like I knew nothing. At the end of the day on Monday I didn’t know where I stood. 

I came into work today. I Found out that someone I talked too a couple of weeks ago told the higher up I did something in another department that I wasn’t fully trained to do. Unfortunately, it can get someone else in trouble in the mean too. A person I thought I could trust, I now can’t. 

I was also told the person was definitely being interviewed for the department I wanted. Now, I am down to one job, I don’t know if I’m being laid off, and the job I want is being taken away from. I keep hearing “I got you”. I just felt like I was crashing. No one can save me. 

This afternoon when I get home from work I am left not knowing about my job security. For the first time working there I am worried about losing my income that I fought to keep. For the first time in 41 years my family is proud of me. If I lost this job by being laid off, why are they going to think of me now? Why can’t the higher up see that I am an asset to this company. See how I ran the company when every other boss was pretty much out with covid.  

I told my therapist when things were going good “it’s a matter of time before the shoe drops”. Well, the shoe dropped. I have no way to kick off the shoe. I have been a depressed crying mess since Friday. I have been so overwhelmed I can’t even think straight.  Come Friday, therapy day, it will be interesting. I get to tell him how I felt like the shoe dropped. 

This evening I got a call from my boss. I was like oh great, she is going to tell me I’m laid off. In the beginning of the conversation it started off that way. Her boss no longer wanted me there. From what I gathered people were in her ear stating things that were most likely not true. I just got stabbed in the back. 

The conversation with my boss lasted an hour. Basically, I was told to keep coming to work like always. I still may get the position I want. It just may not be anytime soon. The higher up is slowly realizing that I am worth something to this company. 

The thing is, I don’t trust people to have my back. People who have said they would have it have always lied to me. My kink family has only been the people to keep their word. My vanilla friends/family, not so much. When I hear people tell me they got me, I don’t believe them. I don’t even know how to respond when I hear them say that. 

I think a lot of the overwhelming feeling I am feeling is from a month of being overworked. Just feeling the burden of everything around me. Trying to get my daughter where she needs to go. Get my mom to doctors and me for that matter. All I keep hearing now is “how are we going to fit in appointments for me?”  This is from my mom speaking. 

I have a bunch of selfish people around me. I can only take so much. I know when I get frustrated, upset, overwhelmed, or any of those kinds of feelings it comes out in tears. I try to do that in private. It’s coming out more and more with others. I don’t even know how to stop it. I just want to feel normal and feel like I’m not failing or defeated. Yet, I feel both right now. 

Failure ≠ Defeat

I need to remember that. I am not defeated in all of this. I really need to trust in the people who are my friends. Even if one is my boss and the other is just a co-worker. I have no clue how to do this