Tali’s World

  The guy I was dating said “you’ll find someone in no time. You’re a beautiful woman.”  That was in 2019 and when my life changed yet again. Here it is 2022 and I am yet still single. I have been stood up and ghosted more times than I can count.  In 2021 I attempted to date this younger guy. I was thinking older didn’t work, so younger will. I was wrong yet again. When my mom went into the hospital for a heart attack the guy stopped talking to me. I stopped dating after that. That was in August of 2021.  I decided it was time to focus more on me and figure out my shit. Figure out what I wanted. Figure out boundaries and all that good stuff. I had turned off all my dating apps and gave up on looking. I was now focused on me.  As time went on I learned more about myself. I learned things I didn’t know. I discovered emotions that were locked up. I was learning how to let people in. Especially when I feel so broken. I have done a lot of work to be where I am at. So...

  For as long as I can remember I felt a hard interior about me. Not cold, but hard. I find myself hard to get to know. I try and keep people out as much as I can. I push people away if they are in my circle. I know I do this for many reasons.  This week in therapy I told my therapist I hated this feeling. I hated feeling anything . I hated getting frustrated easily, crying more easy, etc. He looked at me said “you hate feeling vulnerable.”  Honestly, I could not disagree with him. Even, if I wanted too.  I couldn’t do it.  For me if I show. Sign of weakness then that meant trouble for me. It meant that my partners could use my tears and my emotions against me. They have in the past used them against me.  Showing any source of vulnerability is bad in my book. It means I am weak. It means I am not strong enough. It means I am feeling insecure and being sensitive again. It means I’m allowing someone in. Breaking down walls. Walls that have always protected me...

  I haven’t written in awhile. Part of it was my mental health was way off. I just needed a break from the world. I stepped back from a lot of things. I am hoping to get some time to tie again and just do things again.  Lately, my insecurities are getting the best of me most days. I find it hard when I like someone new. I am so afraid to show any feelings towards that person. I feel like what if they are talking to others?  What if they are dating other girls? Do they have a wife or a girlfriend? The thoughts flood my brain. I know they are silly.  I have thoughts of wanting to go to a friend's house. Do they really like me?  Do they just pretend to like me? What if I want to do this thing. The reason they keep putting it off is because they really don’t like me.  Ever since my last serious relationship I have found I am more insecure about these things. He was married, he cheated on me with someone not his wife. The relationship we had was just toxic from ...

I used to love my birthday. Each year I still try and love it. Each year my day gets looked over by my friends and family. Each year I feel like I don’t exist in this world as I grow another year older. People around me tell me happy birthday. They really don’t act like I exist.  Growing up I was an only child. I didn’t have to share my birthday with no one. It was my day and my day alone. My family acted like they cared about me. I got gifts and was shown love and support. This didn’t change, until I was an adult.  When I moved to Florida I should have seen the importance I was to those around me. I started to plan my own birthday. Where I wanted to eat which later would change to where he wanted to eat. My day slowly didn’t become mine anymore.  In 2003 my daughter came along. 9 days prior to my birthday. 9 days before I would grow another year older. A year my life would forever change.  The day after my birthday I got married to my ex husband. Now, not only did I...