Tali’s World

  Recently, I was told I was strong-willed, don’t sugarcoat it kind of a person, hard headed, stubborn, etc. I told a person I was having trouble forming relations. At the end of the day, it seemed to come back on me. When I was married, I felt like I had to constantly change. Mold into this person that I wasn’t happy with. Becoming this person I soon discovered wasnt me. I changed how I acted, hid things about me that he didn’t like, stopped eating food, and became more self conscious about my body.  The list of things can go on. The list of changes go on with it.  As time went on, I was told once again to change. Be strong and don’t cry right now.  I felt like I was forced to only show this strong side of me. I learned to create this hard shell around me. Which in return, did protect me.  It also turned me into a person I didn’t like once again. I felt like I couldn’t be myself once again.  A few years ago I was a submissive for someone. The whole t...

Over the last year or so my therapist and my best friend have been pushing me to date again. I kept putting it off.  I had my reasons for doing so. I kept saying things like “when I’m in a healthier place.”  Truth is, I am always going to be growing. I am always going to be striving to get better.  For me, I am not one to give out my phone number right away.  I don’t like video chatting right away. For me, it’s like once I do, something happens. I don’t know what it is. I am told if I don’t put myself out there, how can I find someone. Last week this guy interacted with me. Started to say all the right things. I did one of the hardest, I gave them my number. We chatted a couple of times on the phone. We also snapped chatted. We did a couple of video calls. If I feel like I am dominating the conversation I will back off some. I want the other person to feel like they can be heard too.   About two or so days in I went to send this person a picture. Some...

 TW: talk of self harm and suicide Since the age of 13 years of age I have been self harming. I am now 42 years of age. I go through spells of where I don’t at all. I went 12 years without self harming. Then my car accident happened in 2016. I stopped again in 2019. Here it is 2024, I find myself struggling more and more not to.  I use my coping skill and my self-care techniques all the time. They just distract me for a few moments. Then I am back where I was.  Battling depression and the urge to grab the tool I have always used. Once I leave my bedroom, I have access to it all. May 2013,2024 I was in a car accident again. That triggered my PTSD and my night terrors. I have yet to get them fully under control. The doctors tried giving me sleep medications. It doesn’t work. I am awake within 2-4 hours after taking it. I am the lowest dose. What’s worse is the hangover from the drug.  Things just keep happening. From being told I can’t trust anyone, having people act l...