What Am I Good For

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 I find myself always wondering what I am good for.  I haven’t had many relationships. The few I have had over the last 10 years have just fallen apart. I find myself now alone and looking for companionship. I know that isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes I feel like that isn’t even good enough. No one that lives near me really wants me for me. I am sexualized by many. If I am not sexualized, then I am not close to the person. 


People look at me as a kink or a fetish. They want to sexualize me. Only want to talk to me for one thing. That’s to have sex. The problem they face is, I’m not easy. I’m not the person who just easily gives it up. I don’t like to be looked at like that. 


I think what is worse is those guys who are married. Who slipped me their number and flirted with me. Those who try so hard to get with me. They want me as their mistress. Just this side price they can have when they want. 


Almost every relationship I have encountered has been me being the other woman. It was me finding out much later after we had already started dating. It has been hard on me mentally just trying to navigate this world of dating. 


Now it’s getting to the point the men are up front about it. It’s after they have already started to flirt and lead me on. Which still makes it hard to believe any guy who shows up my way. 


I begin to think what am I good for?  Am I really good to be someone’s mistress?  Be that other woman?  I try so hard to believe that I am better than that. I want to believe I’ll be someone’s only and first choice. As I get older, I wish it would happen sooner than later. 


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