Anger

Two weeks ago or so I was asked to write. Write so I can get things out of my head so I don’t explode. Things were slowly coming to a head. I hold things in. I do my best not to. I try and talk things out and get things aired. It seems like the more I open my mouth the more things come out. The more frustrated I become.

It seems like since my mom died in January I have become more angry. I watched her slowly kill herself. I watched her ignore the doctors. I told her for months and years that she just needed to listen to them. If she did, she’d be around longer. Instead, she continued to eat salty foods. Even though she had a heart attack and was in AFIB. She stopped walking because she hurt. Then was mad because she couldn’t walk anymore. Then was upset because she couldn’t breathe. Yet, she didn’t do anything to help it. I watched her body slowly give up.

Last year she was in and out of the hospital every couple of weeks from September 2025 till December 2025 when she never left. She went in for a nosebleed that they couldn’t stop. Her body could no longer keep up. It started to shutdown. From a nosebleed. She passed on January 2nd. That’s how I started my year. Losing my mom. My dad isn’t in the picture. Not even once has he tried to contact since he found out. Death doesn’t bring family together. It pulls you apart.

One of my cousins didn’t go see her while she was dying. Didn’t show up for the celebration of life. He didn’t even reach out to me. I don’t understand what I had done so terrible to this persons life to get treated like by his family. Especially when my mom thought the world of her nieces and nephews. They all loved her. They just didn’t like me.

In May, my best friend of 40 years lost her step-dad. Someone we have known since we were 9 years old. That death hit me hard too. This man was always so nice to me. He always treated my bestfriend like his own daughter. I never felt like he didn’t care.

In the month of August I lost a dear friend of mine. Almost the same way I lost my mom. Too much fluid in his body. Didn’t wear his O2. His body just couldn’t keep up anymore. He passed away. That came as a shock.

I have lost three people this year. Three people who have meant the world to me. Three people who I loved in some way. They were taken way. In some cases too soon. All they could have done was taken care of themselves better. They chose not too.

Maybe I am angry. I’m angry that this year has brought me nothing but loss. It has brought me nothing but heartache. I haven’t had anytime to stop and grieve. I haven’t had time to yell and scream. Instead it builds up. It builds like a bomb ready to explode.

It doesn’t help that I have people around me who can’t keep their mouth shut when I do try and talk to them. My business gets spread everywhere. I feel like I have no safe place to even vent. I am told to write when I can’t talk. Those words aren’t coming like I want.

You are thinking I am writing now. Even though you are correct. It’s not the type of writing style I normally do. I write poetry. Dark poetry to get the dark thoughts out of my head. Like anger. When it doesn’t flow like a river. It just makes me even more frustrated. There is no winning.

Before you say anything. I am in therapy. I have been talking to them about a lot of this. After my big blow up at work. It has gotten me to think more. I haven’t never had a blow up like that before. I can normally keep my feelings and my emotions in check. I can normally keep everything bottled down til I get home. I lost it. I flipped out on several people. People who didn’t deserve it. I have since apologised for it. It doesn’t make it right. I just now got to find a way to get all of this out. I just don’t know how.

I think a lot of it is the frustration at work that I can’t seem to get rid of. I have tried to talk to one of my supervisors for over a month now about issues I am having. Yet, the same issues keep coming up. They are just getting bigger. I feel like I am becoming a target because I stand up. I talk about what is wrong and I want to see changes. Yet, nothing ever seems to change. When is it too much. When is it that I push too hard. All I want is change. Yet, I seem to be a target that no one sees.

Maybe I am just looking at this all wrong. Working myself up for nothing. When things are said to me. It’s hard not to think differently. I guess only time will tell. Hopefully I can get this anger out soon. Next time I wont be so lucky.