Grief

 I got a call in December of 2004 that my aunt died. That was the first time grief really struck me. It really hit me hard. I was a mother of a 14 month old and still trying to figure out how to parent. I had a husband who refused to help me. Now, I am thrown this news. News that shook me to the core. I had just called her the day before and told her happy birthday. Here I was on the phone getting news she was no longer with us. 

I was angry that she didn’t go to the doctors. I was angry I was in Florida and not back home in Illinois. I was at a loss for words. A heart that was breaking. My aunt was one of the few people who loved me unconditionally. I could talk to about anything. I just lost that in a blink of an eye. 

When April of 2017 came around I never thought I’d lose my grandma. There I was again. Losing someone who loved me unconditionally. She loved me no matter what I did. She never seemed to have judged me. There I was still in Florida wanting to be back home so bad. As I lost another person I was so close too. I was left with no one. 

I had a marriage that was falling apart. I was blind to what was coming. I thought we would work out. I had no idea what he was doing behind my back. Planning things that I wouldn’t see coming from a mile away. 

June 2017 heartbreak struck again. My husband sent me papers from Florida to Illinois. That he wanted a divorce. A slap in the face that I didn’t see coming. A marriage that I saw was now ending. A facade that was put on until those paper happened. He knew all along what he was planning. Yet made me believe we were going to be ok. 

Everytime I had grief and heartache. I was told to be strong. Keep it together. Don’t fall apart. Your family needs you. Don’t cry. That’s what I did. I buried it. Deep inside and pretend everything was ok. When all I wanted to do was fall apart. I had a child who needed me. Who needed to see me be strong. 

When January of 2026 hit. I never expected a year like this year. My mom passed away only two days in. I felt grief like nothing before. My world stopped. Time stopped. I lost days, weeks, and months. As I write this in August I am still trying to catch up on time that I lost. I will never find it. It’s time forever gone. The pain is there. The undeniable pain is there. That I am still trying to live with. 

I thought losing my aunt, grandmother, even my marriage was hard enough. This was on another level. How do you process such pain?  Where do you begin?  You want to process it. At the same time you have all of this anger building up. Nowhere to put it. My mind is full of unresolved grief and heartbreak. I am trying hard to find a way to work through it. 

When May came around my best friend's stepdad passed away. Then just a few days ago, I lost a dear friend. It seems like this year has been nothing but grief. Everyday I have to find a new home for it. A new box to store it in. Once it is in a box, that’s it. I try to forget about it. Grief still finds me. Finds it way back. I push it down. It only escapes in ways  now that I can’t seem to control. I wish I could.