Posts

Do I Need to Change

-
  Recently, I was told I was strong-willed, don’t sugarcoat it kind of a person, hard headed, stubborn, etc. I told a person I was having trouble forming relations. At the end of the day, it seemed to come back on me. When I was married, I felt like I had to constantly change. Mold into this person that I wasn’t happy with. Becoming this person I soon discovered wasnt me. I changed how I acted, hid things about me that he didn’t like, stopped eating food, and became more self conscious about my body.  The list of things can go on. The list of changes go on with it.  As time went on, I was told once again to change. Be strong and don’t cry right now.  I felt like I was forced to only show this strong side of me. I learned to create this hard shell around me. Which in return, did protect me.  It also turned me into a person I didn’t like once again. I felt like I couldn’t be myself once again.  A few years ago I was a submissive for someone. The whole time I was with him I was tryi
Post a Comment
Read more

Not Again

-
Over the last year or so my therapist and my best friend have been pushing me to date again. I kept putting it off.  I had my reasons for doing so. I kept saying things like “when I’m in a healthier place.”  Truth is, I am always going to be growing. I am always going to be striving to get better.  For me, I am not one to give out my phone number right away.  I don’t like video chatting right away. For me, it’s like once I do, something happens. I don’t know what it is. I am told if I don’t put myself out there, how can I find someone. Last week this guy interacted with me. Started to say all the right things. I did one of the hardest, I gave them my number. We chatted a couple of times on the phone. We also snapped chatted. We did a couple of video calls. If I feel like I am dominating the conversation I will back off some. I want the other person to feel like they can be heard too.   About two or so days in I went to send this person a picture. Something I found interesting. Wi
Post a Comment
Read more

TW - Fighting Depression

-
Image
 TW: talk of self harm and suicide Since the age of 13 years of age I have been self harming. I am now 42 years of age. I go through spells of where I don’t at all. I went 12 years without self harming. Then my car accident happened in 2016. I stopped again in 2019. Here it is 2024, I find myself struggling more and more not to.  I use my coping skill and my self-care techniques all the time. They just distract me for a few moments. Then I am back where I was.  Battling depression and the urge to grab the tool I have always used. Once I leave my bedroom, I have access to it all. May 2013,2024 I was in a car accident again. That triggered my PTSD and my night terrors. I have yet to get them fully under control. The doctors tried giving me sleep medications. It doesn’t work. I am awake within 2-4 hours after taking it. I am the lowest dose. What’s worse is the hangover from the drug.  Things just keep happening. From being told I can’t trust anyone, having people act like I can’t do a go
Post a Comment
Read more

9-1-1 and Dispatch

-
  I have learned if you have PTSD and not an actual emergency in my area, no one will be called out. Due to a recent event my daughter, who is 20 and autistic, called 911.  My daughter stated someone hit my car with their bike, the man was yelling at us, and I was in a panic attack.  Due to no injury, there was nothing dispatch could do.   Let’s back up a little bit to 2016. In 2016 I actually hit a pedestrian. I broke their femur and they had some bumps and bruises too. They survived thankfully. It took years before I could finally accept the fact that she was fine and I needed to let go of the guilt I was carrying around with me.  Fast forward back to May 14th. My daughter wasn’t on her phone. She always pay attention to our surroundings while I drive. She knows living on campus that people are stupid. This time was no different. She let me know there was a bike pulling out of our subdivision as I was pulling in. I swerved just a little bit and stopped. The bike then swerved into
Post a Comment
Read more

Being Positive

-
  So much in a person's life revolves around the attitude you show. It matters on how you present yourself to others. I have watched many of my family look like they never struggle. I know they probably do in their own ways. At the end of the day they all have positive attitudes when it comes to different things in their lives. They deal with cards that they were dealt.  Then I have some family members who are negative all the time. They complain about how bad their life is. How nothing goes right for them. They deserve good things because they a good person. Truth is you don’t always get what you want because you are a good person. You have to think about your attitude and how you present yourself to others.  I have noticed the more selfish the person is, the more unhappy they tend to be. All they care about are their needs and wants. They don’t care about those around them. When they are told to put others before their needs. Even if they change their thinking for a minute, they
Post a Comment
Read more

To My Younger Self

-
  On one of my Facebook groups the question was presented to the group “Imagine a future version of you, 10 years from now, travels back in time to visit you today. They give you a hug, then give you a ZOX that makes you tear up, because the words on it are exactly what you've needed to hear for a while now. What are the words on the inside of that ZOX?”  Thinking about this I took this a step further. Not only could I come up with something now, it would apply if I could go back in time now and talk to my teenage self. Even talked to myself 10 years ago. This is what I would like to tell myself.  Trust your instincts. Your instincts are strong. You should not doubt yourself. You knew that in your heart before you ignored those feelings.  Feel the emotions that overcome you. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to get mad. Let the tears stream down your face. Do not wipe them away in fear of embarrassment. Do not not wipe them away because it makes someone uncomfortable. Your feelings matter. Y
Post a Comment
Read more

Hard Year

-
  7 months ago, in August 2023, my world changed forever. My mom got rushed to the hospital. The words I never thought I’d hear come from the medical responders “she has a-fib.” Growing up around paramedics most of my life, I knew that wasn’t a good sign for my mom to be in. That was pretty much the last time she was home.  Four weeks in the hospital, followed by two weeks of rehab. Ok great she can be released. The last week in September she came home on a Saturday. By Monday she was rushed back to the hospital for a-fib again. Another two weeks in the hospital and off to rehab again. This time she was in a nursing home rehab. That is where she has stayed. She hasn’t come home. She continues to battle this.  I sat in the primary’s office this past Monday. She asked me how my mental health was doing. I checked in and said therapy was hard. I let it all go. The tears came flooding down. From a hard day at work and therapy.  I couldn’t contain it anymore.  As the tears streamed dow
Post a Comment
Read more

2023 Closes

-
  As the year closes I try and write one of these up. Tell you all about how my year has been. It’s a brief moment some of you get to see a side of me when you may not have. This year I think has been the hardest for me emotionally and mentally. I also think I found the most growth.  The beginning of this year I took a step back from my second job. A job that I loved. I had to for my mental health. The choice was not mine to make, but it was made for me by my boss and the rest of the team. I fought my boss on it but I understood. I was devastated about losing the income that I had. I didn’t know then, that was the best choice.  As the months continued my depression got worse. It got bad enough for the first time my therapist got worried about me. In the two years I had been with him, this was the first time he got concerned. Honestly, I was getting worried if I was going to survive by the end of the year.  Work became harder and everything around me seemed impossible. When August rolle
Post a Comment
Read more

A Note to Myself

-
  On one of my Facebook groups the question was presented to the group “Imagine a future version of you, 10 years from now, travels back in time to visit you today. They give you a hug, then give you a ZOX that makes you tear up, because the words on it are exactly what you've needed to hear for a while now. What are the words on the inside of that ZOX?”  Thinking about this I took this a step further. Not only could I come up with something now, it would apply if I could go back in time now and talk to my teenage self. Even talked to myself 10 years ago. This is what I would like to tell myself.  Trust your instincts. Your instincts are strong. You should not doubt yourself. You knew that in your heart before you ignored those feelings.  Feel the emotions that overcome you. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to get mad. Let the tears stream down your face. Do not wipe them away in fear of embarrassment. Do not not wipe them away because it makes someone uncomfortable. Your feelings matter. Y
Post a Comment
Read more