Tali’s World

 Walk into work and I hope that I am seen. Yet, so many of those I work are already spoken for. It’s hard to feel like I can be seen in a world that is fast paced like the job I am in. I am surrounded by so many good looking people. Several of them are so nice to chat with and work with. Yet, I just want to be seen.  The moment I feel like a conversation is going somewhere, it stops.  Stops cold and we don’t speak again. Even though I see them in a regular basis. Not even sure of what I did or what I said. I go back thinking if I just fade in the background is best the way to go.   I go home after a long day and attempt to fall asleep. Yet, my brain goes nonstop telling me that I am not worth it. I am not pretty enough. I am not thin enough. No matter how much I am myself it’s not good enough. My mom’s words still ring in my head after all of these years. “No man will ever want you.”  I just wonder if she was right.  When she shouted those words out of ange...

  There have been some recent articles about Sam’s popping up. Let me say, yes, those rumors you are hearing are indeed true. At least for the Sam’s I work for. Right now we have a way to scan your items as you walk through the exit. 90% of the time it does allow you to just walk through. Just like any technology it’s not always accurate.  Sam’s Club is going to be getting rid of all the cash registers but self checkout at some point. Which will in return leave you with self check out or being forced to use scan and go. As a person who is getting older I understand the frustration. You must have a smartphone to access the Sam’s app for scan and go. However there are some advantages to using it.  Using scan and go can make your checkout process go faster. As you put items in your cart you can scan your items. Watch your total as you shop. Sam’s has select products on sale for scan and go users. Downy beads may cost you $15 at the register but it can cost you $12 using ...

  I find myself always wondering what I am good for.  I haven’t had many relationships. The few I have had over the last 10 years have just fallen apart. I find myself now alone and looking for companionship. I know that isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes I feel like that isn’t even good enough. No one that lives near me really wants me for me. I am sexualized by many. If I am not sexualized, then I am not close to the person.  People look at me as a kink or a fetish. They want to sexualize me. Only want to talk to me for one thing. That’s to have sex. The problem they face is, I’m not easy. I’m not the person who just easily gives it up. I don’t like to be looked at like that.  I think what is worse is those guys who are married. Who slipped me their number and flirted with me. Those who try so hard to get with me. They want me as their mistress. Just this side price they can have when they want.  Almost every relationship I have encountered has been me being t...

  I volunteered at schools while my daughter was growing up. I was teased by the students. Even asked by the students why I was so fat. I brushed it off due to them being kids. I get it they aren’t raised right. I have been fat my whole life. It hasn’t changed. I have slowly learned to adapt to my body and learn to like it. Well, for the most part.  Here I am approaching my mid 40s and it just seems to be getting worse. I guess it’s just the industry. I am back in retail so I see various people day in and day out. Kids comment on my weight all the time. They ask me why I am so big. The parents just don’t care. It just says a lot about the parents.  As we approach Mother’s Day I am finding it hard. So many customers, I don’t know, are telling me happy Mother’s Day. I am starting to get offended by it. I don’t look pregnant. I just look fat. Then I tell them I have a child who is in their early 20s. They look at me weird. I guess because I don’t state I am pregnant....

 Trigger Warning: talks of suicidal ideations, self-harm, and depression Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. As I sit here this morning waiting for my house to wake up, I am thinking about several different things. For just a moment, I am going to be open and vulnerable. Which I know is a shocker for some.  This time last year I was battling depression pretty bad. Those who saw me daily, watched this struggle day in and day out. My mom was battling AFIB. She was in and out of hospitals. Then in and out of nursing homes for rehabs. For a small moment, I didn’t think she was going to make it to Christmas. I told people that. I would say “if she makes it to Christmas, I’ll be surprised.”  She did, she made it through another year. The thing is, I don’t talk about my personal life very often. Because it’s just that, personal. I didn’t talk about the internal struggles I was facing last year. A lot of times, I don’t even know I knew how to express into words.  When people go throug...

  As the year once again comes to a close, I found myself looking back on this year. I see the ups and the downs. I see the paths that were difficult. I see the paths that were healing.  In a years time my mother went into a nursing home. I could no longer take care of her. Her medical needs surpassed anything that I could for her. Her mobility went downhill very quickly and she went into a-fib. This past year, I have had to do it on my own. I still don’t know how I did it.  I learned how to be an adult. I learned more about what bills needed to be paid. More than that, I saw what bills I needed to acquire. Such as homeowners insurance. Living in tornado alley, it’s something I should have. I made it on my income and my alimony, but barely. As the year closes I am most likely losing my alimony. That will be difficult. Thankfully my daughter is working part time. That does help.  Earlier this year I watched my mental health slide a little bit. In March of this y...

  Recently, I was told I was strong-willed, don’t sugarcoat it kind of a person, hard headed, stubborn, etc. I told a person I was having trouble forming relations. At the end of the day, it seemed to come back on me. When I was married, I felt like I had to constantly change. Mold into this person that I wasn’t happy with. Becoming this person I soon discovered wasnt me. I changed how I acted, hid things about me that he didn’t like, stopped eating food, and became more self conscious about my body.  The list of things can go on. The list of changes go on with it.  As time went on, I was told once again to change. Be strong and don’t cry right now.  I felt like I was forced to only show this strong side of me. I learned to create this hard shell around me. Which in return, did protect me.  It also turned me into a person I didn’t like once again. I felt like I couldn’t be myself once again.  A few years ago I was a submissive for someone. The whole t...

Over the last year or so my therapist and my best friend have been pushing me to date again. I kept putting it off.  I had my reasons for doing so. I kept saying things like “when I’m in a healthier place.”  Truth is, I am always going to be growing. I am always going to be striving to get better.  For me, I am not one to give out my phone number right away.  I don’t like video chatting right away. For me, it’s like once I do, something happens. I don’t know what it is. I am told if I don’t put myself out there, how can I find someone. Last week this guy interacted with me. Started to say all the right things. I did one of the hardest, I gave them my number. We chatted a couple of times on the phone. We also snapped chatted. We did a couple of video calls. If I feel like I am dominating the conversation I will back off some. I want the other person to feel like they can be heard too.   About two or so days in I went to send this person a picture. Some...

 TW: talk of self harm and suicide Since the age of 13 years of age I have been self harming. I am now 42 years of age. I go through spells of where I don’t at all. I went 12 years without self harming. Then my car accident happened in 2016. I stopped again in 2019. Here it is 2024, I find myself struggling more and more not to.  I use my coping skill and my self-care techniques all the time. They just distract me for a few moments. Then I am back where I was.  Battling depression and the urge to grab the tool I have always used. Once I leave my bedroom, I have access to it all. May 2013,2024 I was in a car accident again. That triggered my PTSD and my night terrors. I have yet to get them fully under control. The doctors tried giving me sleep medications. It doesn’t work. I am awake within 2-4 hours after taking it. I am the lowest dose. What’s worse is the hangover from the drug.  Things just keep happening. From being told I can’t trust anyone, having people act l...