Tali’s World

  My daughter said something tonight that I thought I’d never have to hear again.  Even though I don’t think she meant anything by it, it hurt. I’m not going to approach her with it. I know if I do, she will just feel horrid. That’s not what I want. For now, I’ll just keep it inside.  When I was married, I was asked many times “how are you still hungry?”  Even if I barely ate that day. I was still asked that. It didn’t matter how much food I consumed that day.  It was still always too much. This evening my daughter asked me just that.  All I had today was a salad for breakfast/lunch. Then I had some ice cream, some spaghetti. After a bit I asked her if she’d mind getting me some more spaghetti since she was in the way.  She came back with “how are you still hungry?” When she said that I just said nevermind forget it. Now, I’m going to throw away what little is left.  Those words are so hurtful to me. I know we have talked about them. Once again, I...

I have struggled with mental illness since I was 18 years old. That was the first time I was out on meds and diagnosed with depression. I suffered from depression way longer than 18.  I had learned along the way how to handle it, how to recognize when it gets bad, how to work with it.  Here I am at 40 years old I still struggle. I just now since it is coming before it happens.  I struggle the most with people ignoring me. Pretending my issues are less than theirs. Telling me to get over it. I am having issues with my new chair. My daughter said to me “maybe you are sitting wrong in the chair?” I just quietly started to cry. My mom was like “what’s wrong?” When my daughter stated I had a lot going on and my mom got offended. The thing is I have told her everything going on.   I have been dealing with shit with my ex-boyfriend, dealing with our cat who had a seizure, and now my bestie has covid. My mom knows all of this. My daughter remembers all of this. However,...

  I don’t have many places I can talk about what goes on in my everyday life. Yes, at times it seems like a lot of drama and my life is never dull but, it’s my life. I have never known anything different. I wish a lot of days it was different.  This past week my ex tried to come back into my life after being out of my life for three years. He messaged me and wanted to be my friend on a social media platform. I told him he could follow me but I would not add him as a friend. He proceeds to say “I do not ask twice”. By that last statement I just felt the manipulation trying to start again. Him trying to dominate me after three years of being free of him. I was completely devastated when we broke up, after going through therapy I realized what kind of toxicity I was dealing with.  The feelings of so much came flooding up.  Overall, I am just getting angry. I was angry that he thought I would want to be his friend after working on my healing. Just because I’m single does...

  A week ago I went to the doctor for shoulder pain and some minor hip pain. After I had e rays done everything looks fine. They see it’s nothing but muscular and have to do with veins. Ok, great, now what? There isn’t anything anyone can do. They can just pump me full of meds. It’s not arthritis and it’s not bone, so it’s not really ortho.   I watched my mom for years lose her mobility due to arthritis and just laziness. I say this because I’d she felt any pain or just didn’t feel like walking she would sit down and scoot around in a chair. Clear across the room she’d wheel in her chair.  I would say “you need to get up and walk across the room or you’ll lose your mobility”. She would say “yeah, we will see.”  I watched this for years. Then she would take this same chair and wheel it to wash clothes because she could. Slowly, her mobility went. Now, stairs were hard, walking was hard, and every movement became hard for her. She is now 70 years old. She has no balanc...

  I have been asked over the course of the years “why haven’t you left the community?” I tell them “it’s in me”. I get funny looks and we move on with the conversation. It wasn’t until recently how much the community was in me. It is a life choice for me. I joined the community in 2015. I have had many ups and downs along the way. I have tried to figure out my way. I even stumbled along. I even tried leaving the community a couple of times. I kept finding my way back here. The first time I left was in June 2017. I turned off my fet page and any connection I had to kink. I closed off my kink friends, everything. I did it because of what happened the year prior and now, a divorce. I didn’t want my chances of getting my daughter to be jeopardized by the lifestyle. (I did win full custody of her BTW. ) I also, think I just needed a break from it all. I was told how to act and how not act. I was being told who I was and who I wasn’t. I wasn’t given a chance to figure it out on my own. I...

  In therapy we have been working through my abuse. A lot of it in detail. As I continue on I am learning how to live outside of what I have been taught. I have to learn what healthy boundaries are and how to keep them in place. Which is something I never have done before. It was what I was taught.  The earliest time I remember my boundaries being crossed was when I was 13 years of age. When my boyfriend at the time would do something. I would be like “no”. He would continue said thing or get his friend to do said thing. I would laugh it off and just be like whatever. Again this happened at the ages of 14, 15, and even into 16 years of age. My boundaries were crossed. If I went to an adult and state they were crossed, what do I do. I was told I was lying and I’m imagining it. It was something else entirely. The most crucial years, no one told me about these things. Let’s fast forward to 2001-2017.  During these years I was married as many of you know who follow me. The me...

  Over the past few weeks I have had people ask me about my walls. Ask me why they are so high and people can’t get in. On top of the years of abuse I endured, people are mean and cruel.  I get my walls are high. I get they are too high for some people to reach.  If they are higher for you, then they aren’t for you to take down, honestly, stop trying. My abuse I’m so candid about is the assaults that I endured for years.  From sexual, to rape, to being molested.  Years of it from people I knew and I trusted.  What I never talk about, is the emotional abuse that I was left with. I moved in with my ex-husband in 2001.  At first everything was fine. I was being groomed to be someone he wanted me to be, and I had no idea. I was being torn down and made to feel like shit so he could build me up like he wanted.  Im 2003 we were married and I thought things were ok. What I was told to be ok.  After we had our daughter, I started to see things. By no...

 Written in November 25, 2018 Since I joined the community back in 2015 I have always put knife play as a hard limit of mine. I am a self harmer. I am almost a year clean from it. I’m beyond proud of it. This is after being 12 years years clean when i relapsed back in 2016. I’m not proud of my scars. My scars are a story of very dark times in my life. So, when I heard of knife play I knew this had to be a hard NO. So many things would be brought up if a knife scrapped my skin. What I learned over the past 6 months my limits change. The person I am with I trust with unconditional trust. The person at Coles County Munch I trust unconditional to teach me or Sir new things. Which has been a first for me. I have never had that in my life. In the vanilla world or the kink world. Last night was about to change. I have been attending Coles county munch since July. I have seen wax play done several times. On various different types of people. I have never been in the right head space to do ...

  Written Oct 10, 2018 on FetLife Since I entered the lifestyle I have always loved bondage. I have loved to be restrained in many forms. It wasn’t until a few months ago that I really dived into rope. The first time I felt rope hit my skin and the feeling I got was amazing and all I wanted was more of it. The natural high I was getting from it was even better. Then Sir decided he wanted his hand at being a rigger. Well, now even better. I no longer had to rely on another Dom to be my rigger. You are probably asking what does this have to do with my trauma or trauma in general. A couple months ago I was bound to what I call the church chair. As the rigger was placing rope around me he got a little close to my neck. I began pull at the rope. I was thinking it was around my neck. Even though I knew it was just over my shoulder. Then the next strand of rope over the next shoulder. The more I began to think about rope around my neck. That night I had trouble orgasming through a forced ...

  When I post my writings on FetLife I will cross post them to other platforms. I do that for many reasons, to educate the newcomers. Sometimes, it’s just a way to see how far I have come in this walk. In one of the forums I posted a writing. They were telling me that they find triggers in kink. It seriously got me to think about my own journey. Seriously, how I got, well, here today. I have had triggers since I was 13 years old. I didn’t even know what it was. I experienced my first panic attack at that age. I was terrified. All I knew was my boyfriend at the time touched me, then I flipped out. From then on I had to learn how to deal with this triggers and now panic attacks. Raise your hand if you like choking? Yeah, me too. It can be a trigger for me. You probably have this curious look on your face right now. You may be thinking “if she likes choking, how can it be a trigger?” For me, it wasn’t always a trigger. I was choked til I blacked out at the age of 34 years old. The Dom...