Tali’s World

  On one of my Facebook groups the question was presented to the group “Imagine a future version of you, 10 years from now, travels back in time to visit you today. They give you a hug, then give you a ZOX that makes you tear up, because the words on it are exactly what you've needed to hear for a while now. What are the words on the inside of that ZOX?”  Thinking about this I took this a step further. Not only could I come up with something now, it would apply if I could go back in time now and talk to my teenage self. Even talked to myself 10 years ago. This is what I would like to tell myself.  Trust your instincts. Your instincts are strong. You should not doubt yourself. You knew that in your heart before you ignored those feelings.  Feel the emotions that overcome you. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to get mad. Let the tears stream down your face. Do not wipe them away in fear of embarrassment. Do not not wipe them away because it makes someone uncomfortable. Your fee...

 I was in a webinar today at work.  The overall webinar was about mental health and how to help your co-workers who struggle with it.  They gave some great insight on how to help those who struggle.  I really hope those who do not struggle in the office will watch it.  It will help them to help us who do.  In the webinar they talked about safety.  I have been thinking about that since the webinar. Earlier this week I was told "I wish you felt safe here." The thing is feeling safe isn't just about feeling safe where I am not going to get hurt.  I can feel safe walking into a building, and I know I shouldn't be physically harmed in form or fashion.  That is safety, right?  We can make our building safe for those who walk in who are just getting to know us feel comfortable in a way to allow them to talk to us. What if we only make it safe for the outsiders?  How are the people who work in the building supposed to feel safe? Safety isn'...

 Most of my life I have struggled with food.  As you look at me you would see a person who looks like they have no problem with it. I am a very plus size person and many people do not have find my attractive due to my size.  That is a whole other story and blog for another time.  Food has never been a friend of mine. It has always been an enemy. Starting from a young age I can remember the struggle with food.  I thought it started when I was when in middle school.  As I was talking to a friend of mine recently, I discovered, it went much deeper than middle school.  The fight with food started when I was about 8 years old.  When I was just in 2nd grade.   I was put in counseling in second grade because I could not say the word "fat".  I would spell f-a-t.  I would not say the world.  It took me forever before I could say just the word.  Not only was that the issue, but my mother also put me on a diet.  I remember ...

I found out I was pregnant 20 years ago.  I never knew what life would bring into this world when I had my daughter.  I thought my daughter was like any other child growing up.  I never thought of her as anything different.  Except one day I had a mom come up to me and said “you need to get your child tested for autism.”  I looked at her and I thought she was crazy.  There was nothing wrong with my daughter.  She was perfect the way she was.  She was odd and a little hyper at times, ok very hyper at times.  It wasn’t something I didn’t have control over.   I knew my daughter had trouble following basic lists.  She didn’t understand how to put herself in other people's shoes.  She really didn’t understand people's emotions.  No matter how hard I was trying to teach her these things, she never grasped these things.  I just thought that one day, when she is older, she will.  She will learn to take cues from peo...

  “Please take a shower when you get home” my therapist said Monday.  I have been taking sponge baths. Enough so I know my areas and I don’t stink. I have made sure the dirt was wiped away.  I was ok with that. The truth and the matter was, it’s all I could do.  Mental health has taken such a toll on me, I didn’t even want to take a sponge bath. Now, my therapist wants me to stand in a shower.  Yesterday I finally gathered up enough spoons to do just that. I gathered my clean clothes and headed to the bathroom. I got my shower gel that I wanted and prepared for my shower.  I just stood there looking at the shower. Not being able to move. I don’t know how long it was before I had talked myself into actually moving and getting in the shower. Turning on the water and letting it hit my skin. The moment it did, I began to cry.  I was lost in a world I didn’t recognize. A world where depression, anxiety, and fear took over me. Standing there was so much effo...

Today I’m struggling. I feel as if I am on autopilot. I am in a world where I am standing still and everything is passing past me at high speed. Nothing in the world right now is focused. It’s just a blur.  As I sat at the red light today running errands I just sat there with a blank stare. The cars are pulling forward and I didn’t even notice. It wasn’t until my car beeped to let me know I needed to move. As I continued to drive I felt like I was standing still.  I feel numb inside. Besides what I am reminded of, I don’t know why I feel so numb and disconnected. I feel myself pulling inward and hiding. I see a mask trying to come forward. Yet, the mask struggles to stay in place.  Honestly, I don’t know what I feel. I feel alone to a point. After a conversation I just had with a friend, it makes me pull inside even more. It reminds me that I am unable to find a Dom. I am unable to find a Daddy. Sometimes I just need structure too.   It has been hard to be singl...

Not too long ago I read a thing that says getting a hug for about 5 seconds can be good for us. The longer the hug with someone we trust/love the more beneficial it is to the person’s health. I didn’t think much about this. Not until recently.  I went to a kink event yesterday. One I hadn’t been to in a very long time. Of course when people haven’t seen you in awhile they want to greet you and hug you. I’m always down for a hug from certain members. More often than not from anyone there really.   I enjoy the warm arms around me as they hug me. I enjoy the smell of my friends as I breathe them in. Being primal I notice these things. I notice a lot when my friends touch my arms as they wrap me with friendship and love. Yesterday was different for me.  When one of my friends hugged me they were warm. With a high of 30 something yesterday they felt good. The warmth felt super nice. What I began to fill was different. I wanted to nuzzle and feel the embrace longer. Later ...

  As I am going through therapy I am feeling things I didn’t know I could feel. I think some of it is normal. I think some of it stems from abuse. Honestly, right now I don’t know which is which. Is it normal or is it something I really need to work on.  My whole life I have been friends with guys. Most of my childhood my friends were guys. I can count on one hand how many were. Even now as an adult if you were to look on my Snapchat, you’d see mostly guys. For some reason I have felt like I could always relate to them. Maybe deep down that isn’t true. Maybe I felt like I had to prove something. As an adult I have found I became good friends with guys whose marriages seemed to have fallen on the rocks. One of my last relationships was just like that. His wife and him were getting a divorce. I became good friends with him. Once, he and his wife got back together. I got replaced. One of my best friends is a guy. All the time I feel like I will be forgotten when he is with his fa...

  Lately as I am shopping or just doing everyday tasks I end up staring off into space. I don’t even know why I do it. It’s like my brain malfunctions and it has to reboot. Then I come back and am like uh….. what was I doing. I even go “my brain broke.” I may say “my brain stopped.” What is bad is when your daughter has to keep being you back.  She was trying to get my attention in the store while we were shopping at Costco. I stopped in the aisle and just stared at something. Honestly, I forgot why I stopped to look at the item. I kept moving once she brought me back. What’s bad is she is telling me I am getting worse.  Even at work I am noticing simple words are not coming like they should. My thoughts just stop. I lose my train of thought. Somehow I get back to it and I continue on. I  told this all started when things got really bad at work. The stress started to pick up. Maybe that is true. My body doesn’t deal with stress well.  Honestly, if I want to be h...

  Last year I gave my narrative to my therapist. Telling him everything that I have lived through. Watching him react to the things that I described to him. Slowly realizing this isn’t supposed to be normal. Abuse, toxicity, gaslighting is not supposed to be normal. My whole life it was a normal part of my life. Even well into my adulthood it was normalized.  One of the biggest barriers I am learning is not bottling my thoughts, my feelings, and even my emotions.  For so many years I have been told that it was wrong to show those. It was a bad thing if I cried. If I cried it was showing I was weak. It showed that the person who hurt me won.  If I expressed anger, especially in school, the kids made fun of me for being angry or frustrated. I never had a safe place to show these feelings.  Then in my marriage time and time again I was told I was wrong. I was made to feel inadequate, worthless, unlovable, like I did something wrong. Truth is, it was never my fault....