Tali’s World

Over the past 6 months or so I have heard a lot about self collaring. What it means to people and how they wear it. I have been pondering this for sometime now. I have been getting peoples perceptions on why they do it.  Since I was released I have struggled in many areas of life. I have struggled feeling like a submissive. I have struggled feeling like I belong. I wrote a poem recently called Darkness. On another forum I was able to attach a pic of how I felt. Even though I’m sitting there I still struggle.  I struggle to belong I struggle to be good enough in the community. Especially as a leader.  I struggle to feel like I am a good enough employee to a sadist of a boss.  I struggle to remember to take my meds on time and when to take them.  I struggle with drinking water and basic self-care needs.  At the end of the day, I feel alone as a submissive. A submissive who struggles to be heard, seen, loved, etc. No, a collar doesn’t do those things. It’s goi...

I walk into a dark abyss I kneel Head down Palms on my thighs I sit in silence The only light is that shining on me I try and listen For anything Yet, only silence surrounds me I’m waiting for someone Someone to walk up to me Place their hand on my shoulder Even kneel in front of me Someone to tilt my chin Force me to look at them Tell me I’m a good girl The loneliness is all I feel The darkness is all I sense Emptiness fills me No one here I sit and wait Hoping One day Someone will come

  I sit there this evening with my world full of anxiety and stress. Since Christmas my car has broke down four times. It’s been the same issue and no one can seem to fix it. Here we are almost in the month of February and our car is still busted. As I look back of January 2022, all I have is stress. From being negative for covid and yet I swear I have it. To my car continuously breaking. My stuff I don’t want to talk about.   In my body I want to kneel at someone’s feet. With my knees together and my head bowed. My palms faced down and waiting for someone. Someone to stand in front of me. Someone to kneel in front of me. Pick up my chin and call me a good girl. Remind me what it’s like to be a submissive.  When I am submissive I don’t have to think. I can give my anxieties and my stress to my Dom. He can help me carry such a burden. I want to be someone’s his good girl and be told I’m doing everything right.  All I feel right now is, me kneeling and my head down. In...

 Two years ago I felt such heartache. The first time in my life I ever felt such a thing. Yes, I had breakups before. This, this, was the worst thing I have ever felt. I know I talk about it here and there.  I have never talked about the man behind the heartache. I never talked about how I met this man. I didn’t talk much about my experiences with him.  I don’t talk about things that being up triggers. I have kept it buried deep within me.  He was the last thing I needed to talk about. The last thing to deal with to finally heal.  He brought on so much pain when I talked about him.  A pain I didn’t want to feel. Today, going into therapy, I knew it was going to be hard.  I didn’t realize how hard. Today, I found out just hard.  Not only was this man my boyfriend, he was my Dom, my love of my life. He was my everything.  The world came craving down when he broke it off that December day. I can still see his apartment and remember the smell. ...

 As I sit in the tub relaxing before the new year rings in, I am thinking about this year. I am thinking about the ups and the downs. Everything in between. I had no idea this was going be such a trying year. When February rolled around I noticed my daughters mental health was suffering. It finally took her coming into my room one night. Telling me she needed help. Those words a parent never wants to hear. Within a day we took her to the mental hospital. She began to get help. After 10 days in the hospital we didn’t know what was going to happen next. Over the next several months I fought for her. I fought with doctors and everyone I could. I was told she was to old for pediatric care and to you g for adult care. My daughter at the time was 17 years of age. I was seeing how easy it was for students to fall between the cracks. When July rolled around, my mental health was suffering. I didn’t even know it. I was missing appointments and wearing myself thin in trying to take care of m...

 I’m not a hard person to please. Well, I don’t think I am.  As I get older, I just want things to be a certain way. Maybe it’s because I’m tired of bullshit. I’m tired of being lied too, cheated on, and put in second or even last place in someone’s life. I get if someone has kids, I’m going to be bumped down a notch.  There is a time, I should come first. My biggest pet peeve in the world is when someone can not keep their word. If you say you are going to do this thing, then do it.  I don’t get how hard it is not to do it.  I mean seriously.  Ok, you forget once maybe twice.  When it happens every time, it’s now a choice. It’s not an accident. Don’t lie about it when I call you out on it. It just makes it worse.  To me it tells me, I wasn’t worth your time. I wasn’t worth a text message to explain why you couldn’t do this thing. What irritates me the most is when, you are interested in me. You do this shit. I tell you from the beginning, tell th...

I have triggers.  I have lots of triggers.  I can get triggered by watching a tv show or a movie that has sexual violence, assault, or rape. That is due to 25 years of abuse.  From 1993 to 2018 I was assaulted in some shape or form. Sometimes by the same person for years.  Nonetheless, I have a long history of it. I am working through it.   When some new shows came out recently like The Squid Game or The Maid. I was told not to watch them if I get triggered easily.  Both shows I was told deals with sexual violence in some shape or form. I put up a boundary while I’m going through therapy, I shouldn’t watch it. Right now a lot of things trigger me. When I get told back “let’s watch something else, unless it will trigger you.” It just infuriates me. It makes me feel like my feelings are not valid. My triggers are not valid. I just don’t understand why people are like this.  Especially, people who have been raped themselves.  Those who have been phys...

 I’m sitting here this evening watching the news with my mom.  As I am sitting here we heard about how young girls were sex trafficked and abused. She asked me “if they became 18 years of age, why didn’t the leave?”  I don’t even know how to respond to this.  This is coming from a women who was physically abused for years. She stayed I was in an abusive marriage, I stayed for nearly 15 years. Again why?  The thing is when people are abused we are made to feel like we can’t leave. We are told that we can’t leave for various reasons.   Yet, her question still made me pause.  Why don’t they leave?  I wish I had an easy answer for this.  I wish things were different where people weren’t abused, raped, or even sex trafficked.  The world does not work this way.

 Christmas is my favorite holiday. I do all I can over the year to make sure I have a good day. As I get older I just don’t care anymore. I’m tired of putting up a tree. No one seems to care anymore. When I do, people touch it after I say don’t. It breaks my ornaments. In one year three ornaments broke. Irreplaceable ornaments.  Granted people tried to buy new ones. It wasn’t the same. After I said stop messing with the man tree. People still did.  Every year it just gets worse. I get left out somehow.  My daughter get way more gifts and then my mom is like “oh, you didn’t get very much”  No shit Sherlock!  I could have told you that  I’m not the person to be like give me more shit.   This year just sucked.  I’m trying not to let her toxic actions affect my day.  First off she went to sleep at 630am.  I mean how selfish is that? I was up by 7am waiting patiently for her to wake.  Not knowing when she went to bed.  Then whe...

 Today I had emergency therapy.  I felt like I was insane and crazy. It’s the only feeling I know how to express. It’s still the only feeling I know how to express. As I was talking to them we discovered something. We discovered that this insane crazy feeling is hurt and angry.  This was the first time he had seen emotion built into something in my past. As I was talking about something today. I was telling him how this thing was triggering me. This is how it’s triggering me. It dawned on me we never talked about Ed (name changed).  I said I guess we skipped over him.  My therapist said to me “your brain is protecting you from the hurt and pain that I see.”  I started to cry. It’s in that moment we both realized how not ok I was when it came to Ed. We realized out of all the abuse I was out through, his story hurt me the most. Ed, was the person I could let my guard down with. For the first time I felt so safe with him. I get protected, wanted, cherished, e...