Tali’s World

  The guy I was dating said “you’ll find someone in no time. You’re a beautiful woman.”  That was in 2019 and when my life changed yet again. Here it is 2022 and I am yet still single. I have been stood up and ghosted more times than I can count.  In 2021 I attempted to date this younger guy. I was thinking older didn’t work, so younger will. I was wrong yet again. When my mom went into the hospital for a heart attack the guy stopped talking to me. I stopped dating after that. That was in August of 2021.  I decided it was time to focus more on me and figure out my shit. Figure out what I wanted. Figure out boundaries and all that good stuff. I had turned off all my dating apps and gave up on looking. I was now focused on me.  As time went on I learned more about myself. I learned things I didn’t know. I discovered emotions that were locked up. I was learning how to let people in. Especially when I feel so broken. I have done a lot of work to be where I am at. So...

  For as long as I can remember I felt a hard interior about me. Not cold, but hard. I find myself hard to get to know. I try and keep people out as much as I can. I push people away if they are in my circle. I know I do this for many reasons.  This week in therapy I told my therapist I hated this feeling. I hated feeling anything . I hated getting frustrated easily, crying more easy, etc. He looked at me said “you hate feeling vulnerable.”  Honestly, I could not disagree with him. Even, if I wanted too.  I couldn’t do it.  For me if I show. Sign of weakness then that meant trouble for me. It meant that my partners could use my tears and my emotions against me. They have in the past used them against me.  Showing any source of vulnerability is bad in my book. It means I am weak. It means I am not strong enough. It means I am feeling insecure and being sensitive again. It means I’m allowing someone in. Breaking down walls. Walls that have always protected me...

  I haven’t written in awhile. Part of it was my mental health was way off. I just needed a break from the world. I stepped back from a lot of things. I am hoping to get some time to tie again and just do things again.  Lately, my insecurities are getting the best of me most days. I find it hard when I like someone new. I am so afraid to show any feelings towards that person. I feel like what if they are talking to others?  What if they are dating other girls? Do they have a wife or a girlfriend? The thoughts flood my brain. I know they are silly.  I have thoughts of wanting to go to a friend's house. Do they really like me?  Do they just pretend to like me? What if I want to do this thing. The reason they keep putting it off is because they really don’t like me.  Ever since my last serious relationship I have found I am more insecure about these things. He was married, he cheated on me with someone not his wife. The relationship we had was just toxic from ...

I used to love my birthday. Each year I still try and love it. Each year my day gets looked over by my friends and family. Each year I feel like I don’t exist in this world as I grow another year older. People around me tell me happy birthday. They really don’t act like I exist.  Growing up I was an only child. I didn’t have to share my birthday with no one. It was my day and my day alone. My family acted like they cared about me. I got gifts and was shown love and support. This didn’t change, until I was an adult.  When I moved to Florida I should have seen the importance I was to those around me. I started to plan my own birthday. Where I wanted to eat which later would change to where he wanted to eat. My day slowly didn’t become mine anymore.  In 2003 my daughter came along. 9 days prior to my birthday. 9 days before I would grow another year older. A year my life would forever change.  The day after my birthday I got married to my ex husband. Now, not only did I...

  I pulled up to therapy today and parked my car. I stared at the door and decided what to do. I looked at the time and saw I had about 15 minutes before I had to go in for my session. I turned off my car and cracked my window. I continued to figure out what I was doing.  I was beyond nauseous and I felt like throwing up. I took meds to help me feel better before I left the house. For the first time in all of my years of therapy I was sick to my stomach at the thought of going in. I was trying to distract myself by playing on my phone. All I could focus on was the anxiety and the way my leg was twitching in the car.  As the time ticked on I was hoping my nerves would settle down. They only increased as time passed. By now it was about time to go in for my session. I still didn’t know how I was going to get out of this car. Then I looked up.  My therapist was walking by me. I said to myself “oh great, I have been spotted.  Now I have to go in”. I still didn’t kno...

  I have had a lot of feelings brought up over the last few days. This past Saturday I was at a friend's house when I got a text I thought I’d never get. I was told my rapist was back on social media. His picture staring back at me in the text. As I sat there confirming who it was I began to shake.  I have suffered from PTSD since 2016. It’s when I was first diagnosed. I have been having panic and anxiety attacks way before then. I am not a stranger to these feelings. That night I never felt that way. I have never felt the shaking as bad as I was. I never felt the anxiety and panic hit me like a freight train.  I notified my friends and let them know what was going on. I stared at them. All I could do was like in their eyes and keep repeating “what are going to do?”  The terror in my eyes and reality has left me. My first thought through all of this was “am I believable now?” For several people, didn't believe it. Here I stand with my friend thinking am I believable ...

 I remember as if it was yesterday  Driving out of a small town Down dark roads No cell reception  I remember feeling frightened  Scared Violated  Like I just dreamt what happened Tears running down my face I made a call “I think I was raped” I cried Feeling stunned Those words just left my mouth I spoke in detail of the night I was hoping it was a no The voice on the other end “Yes, that is rape”  I no longer could hear Driving 80 mph down a dark highway  Figuring out how to get home Barely any cell cover Till the next two towns over I drove as fast as I could Telling my story My face stained Barely able to focus I hung up and called a friend “Can I come over” I drove there as quickly as I could She looked at me She knew I hugged her and then collapsed I sat on the sharp gravel  Not feeling a thing The numbness kicked in The tears stopped I had no more to shed I finally spoke Told her what happened I bare got the words out She saw red I sat there...

Back in 2018 I was raped by someone in the community. My life turned upside down. Not only was I raped, I lost friends, I was told it was my fault, I was victim blamed, and even outed with my real identity. My life hasn’t been the same since that day in June.  I attended a munch the next day. I told someone I would prior to what happened. I didn’t want people to think I was going to bail. I didn’t want people to think something was wrong. Then my attacker showed up at the same event as me. He tried to talk to me. Even tried to get me to smile. I did my best to ignore him.  At some point of the night I wanted to leave. I was telling the leaders I was leaving. When they tried to hug me I flinched. They pulled me off to the side and asked what that was all about. I vaguely told them. I wasn’t going to out my attacker. Honestly, I don’t know why I wanted to keep it a secret. My friend finally told them who it was.  After the talks began of what happened to me I ended up writi...

I tend to stay quiet most days when it comes to seeing how people are treated in retail. I think a lot of it is, I worked it for many years. In some ways, I still do. Not even in retail so much my vanilla job requires me to have a good sense of customer service. Even if I am being treated shitty. When I was just starting off at a huge retailer just after high school I was a taught one thing. It has always stuck with me. It was this… “ you work here, we should never hear you bad mouth another company in our store. That is bad customer service.” I didn’t think much about until I moved to Florida. When some of the stores felt like they were all high and mighty. Even would spread lies about other stores. They lost my business when they started that. I was a huge customer of theirs too. Even to this day I still practice that. I don’t go around bad mouthing other companies. I no longer work for big retailers. You won’t hear me bad mouth them to someone who wants to go there. Here on FetLife ...

July of this year I took on an office job. I was thrilled that I did.  For the first time that I took this job, I felt lost. This past Friday I was warned that my contract may be ending early. I honestly didn’t understand why. With everything I had over this past month, there was talk of letting me go 3 months early.  I was stunned and I couldn’t believe it. My boss saw me upset and almost wished she hadn’t given me a heads up. What she didn’t know is everything that has transpired just a week ago. It was me having a dream that the higher up was going to lay me off and my boss was going to throw a fit. Here it looked like things were coming true.  My boss assured me I was taken care of. I had many people who would back me also. I was a hard worker and very dedicated to my job. No matter the position they put me in. I rocked my position like a boss. I didn’t even flinch when things got hard when we were down 5 people with covid.  As the weekend happened I was trying r...