Tali’s World

 As I sit in the tub relaxing before the new year rings in, I am thinking about this year. I am thinking about the ups and the downs. Everything in between. I had no idea this was going be such a trying year. When February rolled around I noticed my daughters mental health was suffering. It finally took her coming into my room one night. Telling me she needed help. Those words a parent never wants to hear. Within a day we took her to the mental hospital. She began to get help. After 10 days in the hospital we didn’t know what was going to happen next. Over the next several months I fought for her. I fought with doctors and everyone I could. I was told she was to old for pediatric care and to you g for adult care. My daughter at the time was 17 years of age. I was seeing how easy it was for students to fall between the cracks. When July rolled around, my mental health was suffering. I didn’t even know it. I was missing appointments and wearing myself thin in trying to take care of m...

 I’m not a hard person to please. Well, I don’t think I am.  As I get older, I just want things to be a certain way. Maybe it’s because I’m tired of bullshit. I’m tired of being lied too, cheated on, and put in second or even last place in someone’s life. I get if someone has kids, I’m going to be bumped down a notch.  There is a time, I should come first. My biggest pet peeve in the world is when someone can not keep their word. If you say you are going to do this thing, then do it.  I don’t get how hard it is not to do it.  I mean seriously.  Ok, you forget once maybe twice.  When it happens every time, it’s now a choice. It’s not an accident. Don’t lie about it when I call you out on it. It just makes it worse.  To me it tells me, I wasn’t worth your time. I wasn’t worth a text message to explain why you couldn’t do this thing. What irritates me the most is when, you are interested in me. You do this shit. I tell you from the beginning, tell th...

I have triggers.  I have lots of triggers.  I can get triggered by watching a tv show or a movie that has sexual violence, assault, or rape. That is due to 25 years of abuse.  From 1993 to 2018 I was assaulted in some shape or form. Sometimes by the same person for years.  Nonetheless, I have a long history of it. I am working through it.   When some new shows came out recently like The Squid Game or The Maid. I was told not to watch them if I get triggered easily.  Both shows I was told deals with sexual violence in some shape or form. I put up a boundary while I’m going through therapy, I shouldn’t watch it. Right now a lot of things trigger me. When I get told back “let’s watch something else, unless it will trigger you.” It just infuriates me. It makes me feel like my feelings are not valid. My triggers are not valid. I just don’t understand why people are like this.  Especially, people who have been raped themselves.  Those who have been phys...

 I’m sitting here this evening watching the news with my mom.  As I am sitting here we heard about how young girls were sex trafficked and abused. She asked me “if they became 18 years of age, why didn’t the leave?”  I don’t even know how to respond to this.  This is coming from a women who was physically abused for years. She stayed I was in an abusive marriage, I stayed for nearly 15 years. Again why?  The thing is when people are abused we are made to feel like we can’t leave. We are told that we can’t leave for various reasons.   Yet, her question still made me pause.  Why don’t they leave?  I wish I had an easy answer for this.  I wish things were different where people weren’t abused, raped, or even sex trafficked.  The world does not work this way.

 Christmas is my favorite holiday. I do all I can over the year to make sure I have a good day. As I get older I just don’t care anymore. I’m tired of putting up a tree. No one seems to care anymore. When I do, people touch it after I say don’t. It breaks my ornaments. In one year three ornaments broke. Irreplaceable ornaments.  Granted people tried to buy new ones. It wasn’t the same. After I said stop messing with the man tree. People still did.  Every year it just gets worse. I get left out somehow.  My daughter get way more gifts and then my mom is like “oh, you didn’t get very much”  No shit Sherlock!  I could have told you that  I’m not the person to be like give me more shit.   This year just sucked.  I’m trying not to let her toxic actions affect my day.  First off she went to sleep at 630am.  I mean how selfish is that? I was up by 7am waiting patiently for her to wake.  Not knowing when she went to bed.  Then whe...

 Today I had emergency therapy.  I felt like I was insane and crazy. It’s the only feeling I know how to express. It’s still the only feeling I know how to express. As I was talking to them we discovered something. We discovered that this insane crazy feeling is hurt and angry.  This was the first time he had seen emotion built into something in my past. As I was talking about something today. I was telling him how this thing was triggering me. This is how it’s triggering me. It dawned on me we never talked about Ed (name changed).  I said I guess we skipped over him.  My therapist said to me “your brain is protecting you from the hurt and pain that I see.”  I started to cry. It’s in that moment we both realized how not ok I was when it came to Ed. We realized out of all the abuse I was out through, his story hurt me the most. Ed, was the person I could let my guard down with. For the first time I felt so safe with him. I get protected, wanted, cherished, e...

  Before you think this is going to be some religious post by the photo I chose, bare with me for a little bit.  As my mom goes on break for two weeks I haven’t heard say one nice thing about the Christmas season. I get it her boss is and can be abusive. I get it. It can be a stressful environment to work in. We all have that one person we work with. The things she was saying just upset me. Christmas isn’t about gift giving.  It isn’t about giving a gift to please someone.  It’s so much more than that.  One of her co-workers said that God laid it in her heart to give their boss a gift.  I found that to be a wonderful idea.  No matter how evil someone acts, you don’t know their story.  You don’t know their walk. Yes, they made their bed and now they have to lie in it.  I get it.   This place of work went together and got their boss something.  From what I was told their boss seemed ungrateful.  My mom made a comment this evening...

 I have been hurt so many times by the opposite sex it’s not funny.  25 years of sexual assault, rape, and other kinds of abuse from men.  Hearing this you are probably thinking why put myself in a situation when shit could happen. This all started when I was 12 years old and ended in 2018. Some of it was in my marriage.  However, I am divorced now and moved on. But the effects of men carry on through the years. I got back in the dating field in January 2020. Just as the world was shutting down. I wanted to date. I know a crazy time to start. I wanted to try and where I was at, it wasn’t shut down.  Before March 2020 rolled around I had been stood up twice, one bad date, and several people ghosted me. As the months continued we are now locked inside, not going to our jobs physically, and the world is changing. I thought I could still date.  Here we are into December 2021. I had a causal partner for 8 months. Who I wanted more from. What hurt me about him wa...

 As I sit here I feel my body going numb I feel my eyes glazing over Not knowing what to do I feel like I am shutting down The world around me Closing off from everyone No one cares They say they do I believe 3 actual do Truly understand  Truly believe  The feeling that I feel The overwhelming pain The traumatic events that play in my head The pain that I feel The insecurities I have From the trauma has been built I look at my life All I see is trauma For 25 fucking years Nothing but trauma Sexual assault  Rape After sexual assault and rape Yet again No one there to save me When I called for help No one ever there to save me I have to heal Try Some days I don’t know how The pain I have Is overpowering  Overbearing  Overwhelming  I am resilient I will get through this  I just have to fight

 What If What if I jumped off a bridge  Or a cliff What if I drove off an overpass Would I really be missed Somehow I’d be called selfish What if people understood the pain Understood the feeling  Overwhelming feeling someone has Understand the trauma That goes with their being What if What if the person you loved most Didn’t cause it But understood it Maybe learned it Wouldn’t life be easier You hear the why me You hear nobody loves me Everyone hates me If I died, nobody would care    What if they listened Heard you Maybe they wouldn’t say that It’s always about them Isn’t it? What if they saw the blood That you caused When would the care The car you smashed Then would they care Oh! That’s right! They care about the car Not care about you You are not worth it remember  You are not loved Not as much as they say you are What if What if people understood it wasn’t selfish  What if people truly understood

 Ok Yeah Seriously  Why these words Trying to find a way To defuse the situation  All you do is tell me Why everyone hates you It’s not true You say no one cares Crave the world around you You rather sit alone Be miserable  Make those around you too The lies you tell  are ones you believe  No one can tell you differently  Yeah Ok Is all you get I’m tired of the abuse The all about me People do care Those you think don’t Really do You just don’t want to hear it You make people feel sorry for you So stop and be better Only you can change  You never will Can’t you see what you are doing Of course not You never will

 Stop! Stop being who you are Stop being triggered What’s wrong with you You do this You do that I can’t adult You’re too submissive  You’re too much Just stop being you No one cares about you Why would they They ignore you They like you for one thing Sex Voyeurism You feed them You’re too naive  Too stupid No one likes you You’re pathetic  You’re weak You’re are nothing You’re a child Who needs to care for others Boundaries don’t exist  Remember  No one cares about you It’s all fake they laugh at you Behind your back They feel sorry for you Everyone feels sorry for you Don’t let them fool you Be quiet You weakling Be quiet

I hate feeling overwhelmed. I really do.  When I get so overwhelmed the demons come in. They flood my head with so many things. The things that triggered, the insecurities, everything.  I don’t know how to stop them from flooding them. When people do certain things. My thoughts go to the bad.  I think people are cheating on me, choosing me to be second, I’m going to be hurt, etc. i know a lot of this is in my head. How do you get it to stop after so many years of abuse. So many years of lies. How do you trust again?   Then your brain wants to break a code it has with its self. Telling you all the reasons 2 years needs to go out the door. Reminds you how good those feelings are. Your brain makes you think you’re all alone. No one loves you.   Everyone cheats on you, everyone lies, no one cares, everyone is going to hurt you, the thoughts keep coming in.  

 When we started to date I never doubted anything. It wasn’t until she came along. You ignored my calls to take hers.  You said you’d be at one place and were somewhere else. For months this went one.  I didn’t know this information. Not until she posted it on social media.  When she pointed out that she slept with you that one weekend, I was now livid. I began to figure out everything. I began to piece things that didn’t add up then, but it added up now.  She posted about it on social media. Here you are acting like you were sorry it all happened. I think you we really sorry you got caught.  That was in 2019 when this happened. I didn’t realize until recently the damage you did. The insecurities you caused me.  When someone takes a call and hangs up from me. I now wonder if it’s another girl on the line. I wonder if the person is cheating on me. They say they are going somewhere. I sit there and wonder if they are telling me the truth. Are they lying ...

  Back in 2018 I was with a Daddy Dom who came into my life.  The moment our eyes connected I trusted him.  I can’t explain why.  All I knew is that for the first time I was craving a person. I didn’t know this was a possible thing. I didn’t know a smell, a growl, the phrase good girl could drive me crazy by someone. When he would growl in my ear, I’d get wet.  I would feel the build of an orgasm. The build would get stronger as he would growl or bite me. If he growled mine or good girl. Mmmmmm It was getting to a point where he was training me where a certain phrase would make me orgasm on demand.  The more our relationship progressed, the more I craved him. The more I wanted him. His touch, to hear the sound of his voice, even to smell him. The primal in me was coming out stronger everyday.  Then we split in 2019.  I was devastated. I didn’t know this feeing was even possible again. Over the past week this guy comes in my life. He accidenta...

  Some days I absolutely hate my fucking submissive side. Yes, I am not supposed to submit at to just anyone. I generally do not. Doms, have to earn my trust, my support, etc before I even call them sir. Only my Sir earns the title with the capital S.  I have a lot of Dom or Domme friends. I don’t have very many submissive friends. The few I have are heavy switches. I tend to even coward down to them at times. No, I don’t consider myself an Alpha submissive. Maybe in my vanilla life I am. Not in my kink life.  Over the course of the past few weeks I have found that I am submitting and I don’t even notice. If I do, it’s way after the fact. The other day I was spiraling out of control with my thoughts. My friend told me chill the fuck out. My first thought was “yes, sir”. He had to remind me that my sub brain doesn’t have to go all the time. For some reason now it’s going non stop. I don’t know how to calm her.  I have a switch friend who I absolutely adore. I was havi...

  I know I am too much at times I have trauma like the next I know what I want Unlike the next All I want is someone to believe That I can be loved Maybe set free I fight this battle on my own I just don’t want to I want a hand to hold A body to hug Told I’m going to be okay I tried to encourage Maybe to much If that can be Always look for the positive Not the Nancy that holds you Life is what you make it The positive Negative Everything in between Just look up Have faith Someone has it worse than you The words you spoke Hit so close Made me feel good Yet felt so guarded I wanted to let go Let the walls down Am now too much For you to hold

I was making a comment to a recent blog entertainment recently. I realized how normalized my abuse became. My abuse started at 12 years old. It didn’t stop until 2018. You are probably sitting there thinking how is that even possible.  When I was in junior high and high school my boyfriends or my so-called friends did things to me. Did a lot of non consensual things. From rape, physical abuse, to inappropriate touching. All done by different people. For me non consent violations became normalized for me. I choose a lifestyle where consent is extremely important.  In 2001 I moved out of state and moved in with my boyfriend. As much as I should have seen red flags, I was never taught to see them. Everything prior to this everything was my fault and I deserved this. Only thing that was not my fault was the stuff that happened when I was 12. Here I am in a new state over 1,000 miles from home. My boyfriend was not what I expected. I was young and in love.  In 2003 I had a kid...

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You stand over there With a sweet sadistic smile I just want to know what it is like To know the smile The feel of the growl in my ear Yet, I watch you from afar Wondering What it’s like To be the masochist to your sadist Except, you like a different kinds of pain Pain that makes me squirm You like the blood My demons crave it Your like the fear And I enjoy it How are we so different Yet, we are alike If only you saw me You gave me a chance Then things could get ruined Would we really want that? I wonder if our friends see How I look at you Even can guess That this feels so real I am nothing more Than just a friend Nothing more will be

I am very monogamous. According to my friends I’m mono AF. I think I’m as mono as they come. I’m very committed to the person I am with and only that person. Something I am learning is even though poly isn’t for everyone. There is parts of me that appears to be poly. Let me explain, what I mean by this. I am wanting to only fuck my chosen partner. However, if my kinks are not met I’d like to platonically play with someone who can meet those needs. However, I’d like my partner to be able to do the same. If I want to cuddle with someone then I should be able to do so platonically. For me the sex part gets in the way. After talking with someone today, they said something that made sense. I am going to take what they said and really think about it. They really did make a valid point about being poly and sex. Even though I dated about 5 people in my life since jr high school. I have had around 4 failed poly relationships. It really is a hit or a miss between the two. Who is to say I’m going...

Over the course of two years the pain has eased. Yet, the feeling of heartbreak is always there. As I see friends on here go through similar situations, my heart breaks. I just want to cry for them, with them. I never thought a day in my life would stay forever in my brain. When I think about not having my collar, it saddens me. I begin to grieve all over again. The pain from that day comes rushing back. The smells, the sites, everything surrounding that day. The sad thing is, I secretly knew it was coming. I just never wanted it to end. For a moment in time I was happy. As Snapchat and Facebook remind me of these memories, I find ways to delete the pictures. All I see is a happy person wearing her collar with such pride. The feeling on my neck is the emptiness of something that once was. I am trying for the first time to allow myself to feel and deal with the hard emotions. I have compacted them away for so long. Now, I have the freedom to express them. The other day a friend stop by ...